By Emma-Jane Barlow

Flashbacks to my childhood and teenage years remind me of how much I’ve always strived to be a ‘good girl’. I was raised to be a polite, well-mannered and well-spoken little girl. I was never too loud or opinionated. If someone asked something of me, I obliged. I was never in trouble at school; the thought of getting detention or having a teacher shout at me for not following the rules terrified me. I had an issue with authority, and I still do. I did everything that was asked of me growing up because that’s what I thought I had to do.

It wasn’t until my teenage years that I started to test the boundaries, as all young women do. I began to see which rules I could bend. Giving in to peer pressure and trying tobacco and alcohol wasn’t my finest hour, but it taught me a valuable lesson about which friends to trust. I lacked the same originality I have now throughout my childhood and teenage years because I so desperately wanted to fit in. I thought that if I followed the rules and was nice to people, I would be liked and I would be successful. I masked my autism, I pretended to be someone else, and I was good at it! I tried to please everyone else. It wasn’t a big deal. That’s the way all girls are raised, right?

One of the biggest problems with being a ‘good girl’ is that people will try to exploit your lack of boundaries and manipulate you as they see fit. You will become an easy target for narcissists, and if you put your trust in the wrong people, you will find yourself in countless sticky situations. Failing to speak up and use your voice can also result in self-esteem issues throughout adulthood. I am one of many women who can tell the same story: I had crippling anxiety all the way through school and when I reached eighteen years old and started university, that’s when I hit my breaking point. I was in a dark place throughout my twenties, and I think it’s because the expectations of adult life were overwhelming for me. Even though I did what everyone said I should be doing, I still failed. I constantly felt like I was letting myself and others down.

Good Girl Syndrome is a term that has been thrown around for a long time in the world of psychology. Some question its validity, but from someone who has experienced it, you better believe that it’s real! Even though it does sound like an illness or a disease, it isn’t. It’s simply a set of behaviours and traits that become a big part of your personality due to your upbringing, environment and experiences. 

For example, I avoid conflict at all costs. Having this characteristic has led me to some vulnerable places at the hands of bullies, witnessing toxic behaviour and being a victim of an abusive partner for a large portion of my adult life. My obsessive need for perfectionism has resulted in many scenarios in which I have felt numb or paralysed with disappointment. I’m caught in an ongoing web of never feeling good enough because I overachieve, and I attach my worth to academic or career-related achievements. Even when I reach my goals, it never feels like enough. My need to focus on the happiness of others and not myself has made me unaware of how to fill my own cup and at the age of thirty, I still don’t know when to set boundaries and say no to people. The way I have pleased people to fit in or be accepted my whole life has made me desperate for validation and love.

Good Girl Syndrome is conditioning. We are fed subliminally through messages from the media, our parents and our peers that to be a good girl and a successful woman, we must comply, follow the rules, stay in our place, become small and stay quiet. I see it so clearly now. It took a few life-changing moments to realise how little I thought of myself and how small I had become because of these harmful ideas. It’s taken a lot of healing, and that process is still ongoing. I’ve got a lot of years of hurt to recover from, and a lot of that hurt is what I have unknowingly done to myself.

That’s why I am saying this to you now: being a ‘good girl’ is holding you back. It takes some women decades to undo the conditioning they were subjected to as a child or a young adult. I started to wake up around the age of twenty-eight, challenging the rules and advocating for myself for the first time. By doing this, I realised that I am important in this world. I started to do things I never would have dreamed of doing for the next two years of my life. With each experience, I learned valuable lessons that have shaped me into the person I am right now. But I’m definitely still a work in progress. 

I’m not saying you have to be a ‘bad girl’; I’m not saying that you need to throw every rule and last drop of etiquette out of the window. But you do need to challenge these ideologies that have been forced upon women for centuries. Women can be strong, brave, powerful and sharp-witted. We have the chance now to pave the way for future little girls and encourage them to abolish this ‘good girl’ facade.

Girls and women are multi-faceted. We cannot be manipulated into becoming the image of what society deems us to be. Don’t be a ‘good girl’ but be good. Spread love and kindness. But also watch your back and think about who you let into your life. Your energy should be protected. Your body is sacred. Your love is a gift. Your feminine strength is boundless.

I’m no longer a ‘good girl.’ I have taken away the muzzle on my mouth to challenge expectations and set my own. Is it easy? No. Am I always succeeding? No. But I’m taking it one step at a time, trying to undo the damage of growing up in a world telling me how I should be. I’m no longer a piece of clay; I’m the sculptor. I’m both fierce and gentle, brave and sensitive, loyal and fickle, scared and true. I don’t need an ‘atta girl!’ to tell me that I am doing the best I can because I know I am. I can write my own damn story, one drop of ink at a time. And so can you!

Emma-Jane Barlow is a 30-year-old autistic author, poet, singer, songwriter and creative. She has two bestselling published poetry books and is currently working on planning her next project, a young adult novel. You can follow her artistic journey @emmajanepoetry on all social media platforms or on her website.