By Kat Shore

Let me ask you a question. What do you do if you want to move your body, get your adrenaline pumping, but don’t want to have to prove anything? If you’re put off by competition, even against yourself? Not fundamentally opposed, just personally repelled. 

What if you’re pretty fast, with a decent aim, but can’t remember rules? If your nails are too long and your legs are too short? If you only want to practice when you feel compelled to? If you love the thrill of getting something right but struggle with the shame of letting others down?

Sometimes you realise that the stakes are high for your teammates but that you’re just not wired that way. ‘It’s only a game’ is a curse in their house of worship. Sometimes, you love doing something you’re not that great at, and you don’t particularly care about improving at it. 

I was unsporty in school. Once, I accidentally whacked a more athletic girl in the ankle with a hockey stick and sent her to the nurse’s office. Extracurricular opportunities to get my body moving were equally fraught. The pressure to look a certain way and the competitive conversations about diets tainted ballet for me. Roller derby was wildly fun for a few years until my fundamentally lackadaisical attitude to practice put me in stark opposition to players who, in the name of gain, would enthusiastically welcome pain. That’s just not me. 

Studies keep demonstrating the positive impact of physical activity on our mood and mental wellbeing. But for those of us who skived sports to avoid being picked last, the evidence doesn’t add up. We’re conspiracy theorists, asking: ‘who’s funding these studies anyway, Big PE?’ It doesn’t help that the people who most desperately want to get us moving are so unrealistically motivated and grating. 

For every parent who worshipped Joe Wicks during lockdown, there’ll be ten more who wanted to kick him. Why is physical activity so fetishised while rest is so demonised? Where’s the Joe Wicks of chilling out? Physical activity is so linked to aspiration and achievement that it’s sucked all the joy out of it. 

Can they not open up some adventure playgrounds for adults? Or maybe make gyms a bit less shit? Replace the Stairmaster and elliptical with the monkey bars and a climbing frame – or even just some furniture that looks fun to climb on. Remember when the world was your gym? 

If you love exercise and pushing yourself to your physical limits, then I’m happy for you. I’m not saying that I think you’re a bad person (although we probably won’t become close friends). But there needs to be something for the rest of us, you know? Isn’t it okay to take part in something just because you enjoy it? Could someone please invent a sport where the only (and I mean only) goal is to have fun?

We’ll arrange a meetup, don’t worry if you can’t make it. If you make a mistake, we’ll laugh it off. Beers afterwards, unless you want water, or if you’d rather you can go straight home. MVP award for anyone who regularly falls over or gets penalties. 

We’ll mix up the teams at half-time, so everyone gets to win. If you start to feel tired seconds before scoring, go and have a lie down. Come back when you feel like it. We’ll collaborate on a playlist. Mid-match dance parties are encouraged. Go as fast as you can, even if it’s slow. Special discount membership for anyone picked last in PE. 

This should go without saying, but all body types and mobility aids are welcome. This should also go without saying, but all genders are welcome. Joyless conversations about diets are extremely discouraged. We’ll play for as long as we feel like. No Team Captains. No Coaches. Teams picked at random. 

Who’s in?