Navigating Leadership with High Functioning Anxiety

By Ashley Leung

When you think of the word leader, you may think of someone who takes charge; someone who is headstrong and leads their team with reassurance and confidence. You may not think of someone who is constantly doubting themselves and eager to please, or someone who is scared to make the wrong move because everything is on their shoulders.

Those with high functioning anxiety are often chosen for leadership roles. Many people with anxiety are detail oriented, driven, and seek perfection. However, there’s a dark side to it too. Being a leader with high functioning anxiety comes with sleepless nights, endless guilt and a lot of imposter syndrome. At least, that’s what it was like for me.

I started working in a retail services position when I was eighteen. Young, eager and full of hope for my future, I worked hard. Through my early twenties, I proved that I could be an asset to the team and eventually was given the role of being a department manager.

I took on the role despite knowing I already had panic attacks, trouble sleeping and constant doubt about myself. I tip-toed into my new position quietly and tried not to make any waves.

The truth, though, is that conflict can’t be avoided. When someone made a mistake, I blamed myself and I took all customer complaints onto my shoulders – it felt like that was what I was supposed to do. I constantly tried to absorb everyone else’s problems and find new avenues to fix them.

My anxiety told me that I needed to control the narrative in every way, otherwise it would all fall apart.

I wanted to prove that not only could I be a strong leader and lead my team to victory, but that I was also compassionate and understanding.

So, I continued feeling guilty and enduring sleeplessness, dreading going to work because I was so worried that I would face another obstacle I would have to absorb. I felt like upper management made a mistake putting me into a role that I couldn’t fulfill. 

The anxiety took its toll on me.

It wasn’t until I got a new store leader that he began talking to me about what I was doing. He saw the toll it took on me, and I confessed my worries to him. That’s when I began to learn how to manage my anxiety and still lead my team proudly.

My store manager constantly told me that I needed to stop ‘sin eating’ and stop taking on the mistakes my team had made and putting them on my shoulders. I argued at first. I didn’t know how to fix the problem if I didn’t take it on myself.

Then, he gave me a book called The Oz Principle by Craig Hickman, Roger Connors and Tom Smith. The author discusses how it’s easy to pass blame and get caught up in making others accountable for our actions. Dorothy had the power all along to get back home, but she sought after someone else to fix her problem, the regular man behind the curtain, Oz.

I wanted to be Oz. I made myself accountable for things not in my control. However, I wasn’t holding my staff accountable for their mistakes. Instead, I made their mistakes a reflection of my teachings. 

Part of having high functioning anxiety is needing control. I felt like I didn’t have control over every aspect I was losing.

I started holding them accountable while still having their back. For example, if a customer complained about one of their services, I diffused the situation but had the employee speak with the customer.

From there, they took on the responsibility for their issues and mistakes. I still coached them in the right direction, but I no longer shouldered the burden.

I felt better after I started holding them accountable and not letting the fear rule me. However, I still felt anxious. 

The truth is that you won’t get rid of your anxiety. You can only learn to manage it. 

A good leader doesn’t fall victim to their circumstances. Instead, they learn to navigate through them. Holding accountability where it needed to go and surrendering control of every detail were the biggest factors in helping me manage my panic attacks and still lead a strong team.

I’m no longer in that role, but with the skills I learned and passed on to my team, they thrive even without me. If I had never learned to manage my anxiety and hold them accountable, they would have never learned to stand on their own. 

The legacy of a good leader isn’t based on how much work you took on; it’s shown through the team you leave behind.