‘According To Some Documents, I Don’t Exist’: Embracing a Queer Identity That Doesn’t Tick Boxes

By Sky Thomas (they/them)

Most of the time, I feel like our society is making progress: we learn more about ourselves every day and slowly become more comfortable with LGBTQIA+ identities. Then I’ll be handed a form to fill out, my eyes will scan the identifying terms from which I am to choose, and I am reminded that some still seem very uncomfortable with identities that fall outside of LGBT. You see, the acronym changed to LGBTQIA+ for a reason – to be more inclusive. But often, anyone that falls outside of identifying as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender mtf (male to female) or ftm (female to male) are forgotten about or ignored. My question is, why?

When I was around twelve years old, after feeling like I was ‘different’ for years, I came out as transgender ftm. Due to my age, I could not medically transition. I did, however, fully socially transition. I came out everywhere (including my all-girls comprehensive school), and expected and fought for change. I made sure that everyone called me by my preferred name of Ryan and used he/him pronouns, which was no mean feat (especially at school). I lived as a trans man for five years, continuously doing all that I could for trans rights within my local area. Then something changed. 

Almost as if a heavy mist had descended, I started to feel lost within myself. It was totally confusing. Here I was having had the happiest five years of my life, having felt comfortable in myself and in the process of starting hormones within the next year, and now, suddenly, I wasn’t sure if it was what I wanted. As a result of this feeling, I made the impossible decision to de-transition. I was humiliated and embarrassed, but I felt like it was my only choice. 

Practically overnight, everything changed. Luckily, I only had one teacher at this point, so school wasn’t too much of an issue. The issue was with my head. Not only did I feel embarrassed, but I also knew I’d made the wrong decision. But I couldn’t go back because no one would take me seriously, and it would’ve broken my family. So, life went on. 

That is until the wonderful world of Twitter informed me that there was this umbrella term called ‘non-binary’. Now, finally, I’m finding comfort in identifying somewhere under that label – I’m not quite sure where specifically, yet. For now, I use the term ‘queer’, which covers both my sexuality and gender identity. I’m happy again. The only thing is, according to documents and forms that I need to fill in, I don’t exist.

But I do. I’m here, waiting to be recognised. 

So how do people like me embrace an identity that isn’t recognised or even understood? Here are my tips for embracing an identity that doesn’t tick boxes:

Surround Yourself with Accepting People

The wonders of social media allow us to connect with people across the globe. These are people from all walks of life and who identify in many different ways. Following influential queer people really helped me feel less like I was just some ‘weirdo’ and helped me feel more confident in my identity as a queer person. 

Work on Your Self-Confidence

If you feel confident in who you are, it doesn’t matter what other people say: you know who you are and you’re okay with that. This isn’t an easy idea and can take years for some people to fully embrace but put effort into learning to accept and eventually love yourself – love it and own it! Make time for yourself and wear things that make you feel confident. Look in the mirror every day and tell yourself that you are beautiful and that you will succeed (even if you don’t believe it). Eventually, you will start believing it; it will be one of the greatest moments of your life. 

Explore and Learn

Hear me out. You may be so self-assured and know exactly who you are and how you identify, and that’s great, but give yourself the space to explore labels, styles, and self-expression freely. Don’t feel pressured to label anything (though if labels work for you, then great!). I now present quite femme, but sometimes I’ll wear something that’s more typically masculine. If I want short hair, then I’ll get my hair cut. If I want to dye my hair a certain colour or wear certain things, then I let myself do that and don’t let the fact that I’m typically a more feminine non-binary person stop me.

Experiment with pronouns and names and anything that’s going to make you more comfortable with who you are. You should never permit being restricted – you’re allowed to figure out who you are. The people who are meant to be in your life will respect, understand and support that. 

The world doesn’t fully cater to people who exist outside of the more common labels. Not yet. As a result, many queer individuals are often left fearing that they are faking their identity or just doing it for attention, which is not true. Give yourself the freedom that you deserve to explore what makes you most comfortable and roll with it. Never apologise for your identity. Be unapologetically you, box or no box, and the rest will follow.