By Isa Camille

Seeing The World

I greatly appreciate how my Asperger’s Syndrome has always helped me to see the world in a very creative light. Once, when I was around ten years old, I was staying at a hotel with my family. Bored and with nothing to do, I looked around and saw a pile of towels on the bed. Without even thinking, I took those towels and made them into a slapdash sculpture of a ‘towel girl’. She had swimming goggles wrapped around the front to create ‘eyes’. 

I have always found myself bursting with ideas on how to create something out of nothing. I come from a line of artistic people on my dad’s side, with family members who have been child actors, junior figure skaters, and singers in a children’s chorus. Growing up around them, I was constantly inspired to channel my creativity. I found that I could draw unconventional ideas out of nowhere and act on that idea. 

It is true that we Aspies tend to fixate on particular subjects or hobbies. Inspiration comes to me in the weirdest moments; it channels itself into outlets that I am passionate about, namely fashion, music, and writing. I find myself writing stories and poems, composing my own music, and even creating and altering my own clothes. Humorously, this led to many abandoned plans in the past – especially when I started studying toward my law degree at university and then working a full-time job.

During lockdown, my creativity has thrived. Despite working full-time from home and studying an additional qualification, I have put together new recipes, new songs, new pieces of writing, and thousands of new outfits! Now I realise that my uncanny ability to construct something out of nothing can really come in handy in many situations, be it a fashion emergency or a rainy afternoon with nothing to do but scribble down a new song or poem.

Hearing The World

Having Asperger’s Syndrome means that I am highly sensitive to noise, and certain noises can trigger specific emotions in me. Extremely loud noises can make me feel anxious, as if something bad is about to happen to me, so I have always struggled in crowded places like a shopping centre or a restaurant. The voices of thousands of people all talking, shouting, screaming, or crying tends to turn my anxiety dial ‘up to 11’. 

I especially struggled with loud noises when I was younger. On my first day at school, on approach to my Reception class, I was filled with fear – there were over thirty-odd kids running around shrieking to each other. I barricaded myself in the Wendy House and did not come out for the rest of the day. 

Nowadays, I have found ways to cope with the noise. I would like to thank the inventor of noise-cancelling headphones – the great saviours of long train journeys – and whoever came up with Kalms natural lavender anti-anxiety tablets (or the lavender plant in general, as lavender never fails to relax me). Thirdly, and most importantly, my own determination to implement meditation into my everyday life. Sometimes, my anxiety still ends up consuming me. But the way that I react upon hearing a loud, uncomfortable cacophony of noises has changed; I no longer run away in fear.

Sensing The World

In my experience, Asperger’s Syndrome also means being prone to sensory overload. Certain smells can trigger my emotions to euphoric happiness – or extreme shock. When I was fifteen years old, my classmate vomited on the table. I recall being becoming so overwhelmed that I ran out of the classroom shaking. Other times, I smell baked bread or cake and I instantly feel a warm, comforting happiness inside of me. I associate the smell of baked goods with my grandmother, who used to bake her own bread and cakes. The smell never fails to make me feel happy – cliché, I know!

These sensations and the emotions that come with them are not anything out of the ordinary. However, having Asperger’s Syndrome means that everything I experience becomes amplified.  When I was younger, I used to feel out of control whenever I sensed anything I found either enjoyable or disgusting to the point where it consumed every fibre of my being for a certain amount of time. Today, the elevated mature level of my adult brain means that I do not react so drastically to these situations. At times, I still get these horrible reactions whenever I sense something that I find repulsive, but I have trained myself to not allow it to completely overwhelm me (thank you, breathing exercises!). Meanwhile, nothing can compare in terms of opening up a bag of pastries and smelling the rich buttery goodness whenever I need an instant feeling of pleasure.  

How Life Experience Has Taught Me to Accept Myself

Growing up with Asperger’s Syndrome has not been an easy ride for me. I spent years of my life in denial; up until my early 20s, I felt ashamed of having a disability. I was raised at a point in time when mental health awareness and acceptance was not a thing. During the late 90s and into the 2000s, it was unfortunately still commonplace to discriminate against people with disabilities without a second thought. 

Family members had impressed upon me that having a disability was detrimental to me. At school, I feared that I would publicly be humiliated as an outcast and bullied if people found out that I had Asperger’s. For much of my life, I have felt like I have had a space helmet permanently superglued onto my shoulders. I could tell that internally I felt different from the rest of my peers during social interaction, yet I tried to pretend I did not have a disability affecting the way I see the world. 

In the past, my Asperger’s has impacted my relationships. It affected my ability to communicate, leading to regrettable misunderstandings and conflicts between me and my friends and family. I would say or do something awkward, selfish, or condescending without realising it until those around me brought this behaviour to my attention. Before I started accepting myself for who I am, these misunderstandings were, unfortunately, a regular occurrence. 

Accepting myself took making it through a long internal battle. In the midst of that battle, impostor syndrome overcame me; I was living a lie, hiding my authentic self, but at the same time, I struggled to admit to both myself and the people around me that I had a disability. I felt lonely, unaccepted, and like I couldn’t successfully connect with any of the people around me. 

A couple of years ago, the effort of fighting that battle led me to cut off almost all of those closest to me. I retreated into a black hole of depression, convinced that no one liked me and that I was useless. It was only after I was referred to counselling and put on medication, which I am still taking today, that I saw hope of emerging back into the light. I began private therapy, and during my time there my therapist helped me see that Asperger’s Syndrome is nothing at all to be ashamed of having. In fact, it’s the opposite: it has given me so many unique qualities that I didn’t even realise I have, not in spite of my Asperger’s, but because of it.