By Beatríz Lopez

It is interesting for me to realise that even after many years of being free from witnessing domestic abuse and a long process of healing, the way I am today is still influenced by the trauma that I lived through.

Domestic violence in the UK and globally is something very real for many women. No matter who they are or where they live, there are victims all around the world with similar stories of abuse: according to the Crime Survey of England and Wales (CSEW), presented by the grassroots federation Women’s Aid, an estimated 1.6 million women aged 16 to 74 experienced domestic abuse in the year ending March 2019. Furthermore, according to a UN report from last year, one-third of women worldwide have been subject to physical and/or sexual violence by their partner.

Despite domestic abuse being a largely hidden crime, it is incredibly common. I’ve decided to share my experience – not one of someone who was being hit by an aggressor, but one who witnessed my mother live through it – in the hope that it could be of help to someone and, perhaps, bring more awareness to the issues surrounding the topic. 

My Experience

I was born and raised in the Caribbean Coasts of Venezuela, the first-born of two young parents in a humble household. My story dives between the memories of good times and tragic ones; I experienced the repetition of a dysfunctional tradition that was passed down from my parents’ families and the culture of a society where violence is an immediate response. 

It is difficult for me to say with certainty when the violent events started to occur between my parents, but I can remember with clarity the ones that impacted me the most, the ones that led my mother and me to the police station, which put an end to the physical abuse for a short amount of time, and to my parent’s relationship. 

As I was a child at the time, only ten years old, I could not change the way that my parents behaved nor the decisions they made. This sense of powerlessness reduced me to a state of silence; I was submerged in my own thoughts about my survival, about the ways to avoid conflict with my parents. 

This emotional state and way of thinking that manifested out of my situation at home began to reflect in every area of my life. I accepted bullying in school with a submissive attitude, never speaking up, overeating to cope with my anxiety and constant self-consciousness. 

As my parents sought help for the sake of the love that they once had for each other and our family – which I did too, years later – I started to recognise these attitudes and the feelings behind them. The open wounds, seeing bruises on my mother, and flying fists around the house implanted a deep fear within me, until eventually my personality was shaped by what I now recognise as trauma.

The Healing Process

The Choice by Edith Eger (one of my favourite books – and authors) helped me to realise that the trauma that I experienced was a part of my life now, even eight years after the violent scenarios stopped, and made me realise that I was living with resentment towards my parents for what they did to me.  

Edith, who is a survivor of the Holocaust and a psychologist, writes: “bad things, I’m afraid, happen to everyone. This we cannot change […] But so many of us remain stuck in a trauma of grief, unable to experience our lives fully. This we can change.”

I started to find hope in a new faith as a young woman, and as I started to be heard and helped by mentors and people who are now close to my heart, I chose to let go of those events that once happened to me; the grief that I experienced; the constant self-blaming; imagining how I could have acted differently at home. Even though I was a victim of domestic violence, and it was not my fault in any way, I did not want to continue living in victimhood by being stuck in the past. 

I understood too, during this time of letting go, that my parents were products of their own trauma, shaped by their own experiences of growing up around domestic abuse. My mother grew up in a household with violence, as did my father. Both were in the position that I had been in with their own parents, for even longer and in much worse conditions than I ever experienced (though, of course, this doesn’t justify aggression or violence in any way).

As I bring this piece to a conclusion, I would like to expand on my initial statement and quote the inspiring Edith Eger one more time. She states: “if you asked me for the most common diagnosis among the people I treat, I would not say depression or post-traumatic stress disorder, although these conditions are all too common among those I have known, loved, and guided to freedom. No, I would say hunger. We are hungry. We are hungry for approval, attention, affection. We are hungry for freedom to embrace life and to really know and be ourselves”. I said at the beginning that it was interesting to me how trauma has influenced my life, and I would like to add that despite the long years of bittersweet childhood and tweenhood, I believe that I am the person I am today – sensible, just, kind-hearted – thanks to my long experience of deep healing, of realising that grief can be everlasting or momentaneous, of discovering that hunger for freedom and exploring what could satisfy it. Despite everything that happened to me, I still have hope: as long as I am alive and embracing life, one day I may finally be free. If you have gone through the same experiences as me, I have hope for you too. One day I hope that you are finally able to let the child inside you, the little witness, be free. 

Don’t get me wrong, it may take you years to process, confess, forgive, or heal the trauma of domestic violence. However, if there is something that I have learnt during the short years of my life, it is that healing is not something that happens from one day to another. Rather, it is a choice, a decision you will need to make often, until, eventually, you will remember but not feel the pain of your past. 

Sources

Women’s Aid Until Women & Children Are Safe 2021, How common is domestic abuse? accessed 17 April 2021, < https://www.womensaid.org.uk/> 

Anadolu Agency 2021, One-third of women worldwide experience violence: UN, accessed 17 April 2021, < https://www.aa.com.tr/> 

Eger, E 2018, The Choice, Rider Books, London.