Recognising My White Woman Privilege and the Toxicity of My Tears

By Lucy Griffiths

The truth of it is that feminism in the West was initially created by white middle-class women for white middle-class women. This is something that I only began to truly understand these past few months, something I am ashamed that I didn’t recognise earlier.

Before, I thought within my intersectionality that being white was a privilege but being a woman was a disadvantage. In reality, my combination of gender and race often puts me in a position of power. My ignorance was (and still is) an incredibly embarrassing thing to admit. I was completely oblivious to how my actions and ignorance affected others. The term ‘feminism’ to me encompassed gender equality; it didn’t consider the intersectionality of women of colour.

After becoming increasingly aware of the racial inequality in feminism, I started to have more discussions about white women’s privilege, read more books about race, and seek more information. That’s when I learned about the toxicity of my tears.

Tears are drops of seemingly harmless salty water that come from our eyes. But when tears are shed by white women, they become dangerous for people of colour. Tears of white women are like a smoke signal, a call of distress that everyone is eager to answer (this is also known as the damsel in distress effect).

White women’s tears are used against people of colour in many ways. Most visible to me, because of my personal life experience, is how tears are used for self-victimisation. I have witnessed many situations where tears are used to victimise oneself to deflect blame and re-establish white supremacy (whether consciously or subconsciously). These are the tears that a white woman will shed when she feels she is being personally called out for being racist. And yes, I have been that white woman.

The first time that I found myself playing the victim as a white woman was when I felt uncomfortable after being called out for being ignorant. I voiced my shocked realisation to a friend. She simply looked at me and agreed as if my responding in this manner was normal to her. The second I processed her response to my alleged ‘eye-opening moment’, I fought back a wave of shame that seemed to instinctually prompt new tears. But not tears that were the result of real regret – they were tears that were a knee-jerk reaction. Tears that wanted to get me out of taking responsibility for my actions.

As a white woman, I deal with sexism in every aspect of my life. But I also experience white privilege every day, and I need to take responsibility for my actions and words that are influenced by the white privilege that I have. Tears are great for releasing emotion, imperative even (as a daily crier, I wholeheartedly support crying). Many people cry when they feel shame, it’s normal. However, because of the systemic racism that is still deeply rooted in our society, white women need to start thinking about those feelings of discomfort before the tears spill; to think about their positionality, how their worldview was formed, and how their actions impact others.

I would never have noticed the role that I have played in the ideology of white supremacy if I hadn’t rethought my definition of feminism. Even if my Instagram feed is full of feminist posts, or I see ads that are seemingly diverse, we (as a society) still value white women over other minority groups.

Yes, issues like the wage gap are important. But what about the difference in the wage between white women and women of colour? Maybe you already think about the inclusion of women of colour in feminism. But as a white woman, everything growing up was whitewashed. I only truly thought about myself in my feminist practice and daily life. I reinforced white supremacy when I assumed that the same issues affected every woman in the same way, to the same degree.

Feminism in the West may have initially been created by white middle-class women for white middle-class women, but true feminism is diverse, intersectional and inclusive. Every white woman reading this should take a moment to reflect on the privilege of their position and ask themselves if they are using that privilege for harm or for good.