‘Not Broken’: The Struggles of Being an Aromantic Allosexual
By Jie Yang
According to Merriam Webster, the definition of an aromantic is someone who has little or no romantic feeling toward others. However, like most sexual/romantic orientations, aromanticism is a spectrum. Many people who identify as aromantic tend to be somewhere along the aromantic spectrum but feel none of the labels suits them as well as ‘aromantic’.
Allosexuals are people who feel sexual attraction, and they are usually seen as the opposite of asexuals. Allosexual isn’t a commonly used label in 2022. Instead, most will use another label to describe which sex they are attracted to – bisexual, pansexual, homosexual, etc. To be an aromantic allosexual, then, means to experience romantic attraction to a lesser degree than most (if at all) while still experiencing sexual attraction without restrictions.
It’s hard for many to understand the concept of being sexually attracted to someone but not ever developing romantic feelings for them. To not feel an emotion like love is seen as inhuman; many assume aromantics are heartless psychopaths or mentally ill. Or that aromantic allosexual women are ‘sluts’, whilst men are seen as womanisers.
Many characters portrayed in media that do not have romantic relations of any sort tend to be villains or extraterrestrial beings (think Data from Star Trek). With this constant representation, many may associate those who do not express a desire to love as bad people or that they are simply incapable of any emotions.
This is not the only negative media influence on perceptions of aromantics. A glance at the top ten movies on IMDB shows that three out of the ten movies were within the romance categories, and all the rest had a character fall in love with another character as a side plot, which often has little to no relevance to the main plotline.
The main reason romance in the media is so damaging is the fact it is everywhere and has become so common it's expected. The constant addition of romance usually serves as either a motive or is meant to be a happy ending. In both scenarios, it portrays romantic love to be a universally felt emotion and the goal of life. A happy ending in many stories involves two characters confessing their love or getting married. Or, if one does not have romance from the start, then they use that sense of rejection as a reason to become successful, their main purpose being to get back at someone for not loving them romantically.
Aromantic erasure has caused a lack of education and misunderstandings. Many assume the lack of interest makes a person ‘broken’, as though there’s a traumatic reason why they do not feel romantic attraction. Their identity is confused as symptoms of other mental illnesses (lack of sex drive, fear of commitment, etc.), and so many doctors will misdiagnose aromantics and asexuals due to this lack of understanding. Though some people’s aromanticism may stem from trauma, it isn’t often the case.
Oddly, people assume the feeling of sexual attraction and lack of interest in romance means the person in question is constantly wanting to have sexual intercourse and will always be willing to do so, forgetting that these people are human and still have standards, types of people they want sex with and get aroused as often as most others. It is true that some aromantic allosexuals identify as ‘whores’ or ‘sluts’, but it should not be assumed based on someone's orientation that they are.
Some aromantics only feel romance under certain circumstances (demiromantics and grayromantics, for instance). It’s only when those circumstances are met that they are able to feel romantic attraction. As a result, these people still fall under the aromantic label. It’s important then to note not everyone is against physical affection. Some aromantics do get married, some enjoy romance in the media but don’t want it for themselves and so on. In the end, aromantics may choose to do things regular couples do but their approach may be a friend caring to do things that make their friend happy (QPR).
‘Aromantics are afraid of commitment’ is a common phrase aromantics hear. A similar phrase is, ‘that might change’. Though labels can change over time, it can be invalidating and feel as though one has dismissed the person’s feelings saying this. Also, telling a person that they haven’t found the right person and may change their mind in the future contributes to aromantic erasure and devaluing aromantics’ existence. This situation then causes aromantics to feel shame and ties into the thinking that they might be ‘broken’ and need to be ‘fixed’.
Aromantic allosexuals experience the pains of being aromantic along with new pains of being specifically aromantic and allosexual. Little to no representation, being considered ‘broken’, and being brushed aside for not experiencing as much ‘trauma' as other LGBTQIAP+ groups are all issues we deal with.
Stop trying to erase aromantics. They exist; they are not broken. They are perfect the way that they are.