What Are You? The Ambiguous Life of a Genderfluid Person

By Maii Fallara (she/her, they, or him)

What are you? First off, I am not a what. I am a who. Who am I is the appropriate question. 

I am a genderfluid gay femboy. I don’t adhere to what society deems ‘normal’, and honestly, that’s fine. I would rather be weird than follow a dictated robotic cycle. You know what a mime is, right? A mime is an entertainer that has two sides of themselves. I guess in that way, I am close to a mime. Genderfluid is a term used to describe a person that identifies with both cis genders. Sometimes I feel like a feminine boy, and sometimes I feel like a girl. 

Society makes us believe that there are only two genders and that anything outside their defined binary is considered abnormal and incorrect. But genders are not what you are assigned at birth. Genders are labels that describe your identity. Society takes everything that they do not understand and throws it in the wrong category; no matter how you feel on the inside, as long as you don’t stand in their normal, you are automatically weird. You are awkward, a subject of the question; you are a species that scares them. You get judged on the streets, strangers calling you offensive names. You get judged on public transportation with a full 360-degree eye scan. No matter what you do, you are always judged. 

But who created the word normal? Humans did. We did. So why is being normal defined in only one way? Being normal is living life to the fullest while being true to yourself. Many people, politicians, teachers, and other authority figures make us feel abnormal when they should defend us but instead, they stay on the sidelines while other people bully us, harass us, and make us feel less than. People who are leaders are supposed to lead people in the right direction. They are supposed to inspire and motivate. When they don’t do this, when they stay on the sidelines, innocence gets destroyed. 

As a genderfluid person, I am often asked: “what are you?” I am Maii, and I don’t adhere to societal standards on gender. I am who I am when I feel who I am. My gender follows my mood, follows how I feel during the day. It took many years for me to come to terms with myself. So many people feel like their interior doesn’t match their exterior body, and they have surgery to match their exterior body with their soul. In my case, I always wondered if I was trans because I was constantly feminine. When people called me a guy, it made me feel weak and disgusted with myself. But as the years went by, I realised that it wasn’t the interior of my body nor the exterior that made me feel disgusted. It was my self-love that was lacking. I didn’t like the body standing in front of the mirror. 

As time passed, I learned to love the body that gives me life. That gives me willpower and strength. That allows me to convey my personality. My own personal masterpiece, my canvas, and my art. My body is my temple. My safe space. I am not a what. I am a who: I am a person who struggled with insecurities, just like everyone, that struggled with their identity due to fear of judgment, fear of harassment, and fear of a life of struggle. 

What inspires and motivates me are the people around me. No matter who we identify as, no matter who we are or where we come from, we all struggle; we all try to find ourselves. There is no manual to life. The only manual that I believe in is your heart that keeps the blood coursing through your veins, guiding you to the best and worst decisions. 

There is no right or wrong way to be and to exist. Everyone has the right to be whoever they may be. Being genderfluid isn’t easy, all of the prying eyes being a big factor in its difficulty. Still, I will not stop being who I am for your satisfaction. I will not stop being who I am for the satisfaction of the haters, the people so full of hatred due to their own insecurities and pain. Everyone has a right to live on this planet, no matter who you are. And honestly, if being myself is abnormal, that’s okay. I prefer being a rare spice and flavour in this world to being unoriginal. I would rather feel intense emotions and feel the world around me than live an emotionless, hateful life. 

The pros of being a genderfluid person are that you live multiple perspectives; you see the world differently, in a more open-minded manner. You feel things more intensely. You have two amazing sides that only lucky people get to enjoy and see. In my case, I am dominant as a feminine person and submissive as a boy. Both sides of me are carefree and breathe in life, vibes, and an indestructible force of positivity. 

As a BIPOC, Latin, LGBTQIA+ genderfluid person, life is not easy. But I am built to survive challenges. I am not a person who likes violence, but if you want to attack me with your judgment, don’t think that I won’t fight violence with violence. I will fight with my words. Words resonate through your bones, your DNA, your whole entire entity. I am ready for the world that isn’t ready for us. I am ready to be true to myself, love myself, and fight for others like myself.

A cacoon is a baby waiting to be born, 

A butterfly is a divine soul entering the world, 

The shape and colours are born. 

The person that comes out of time, 

Is the person from the inside that reaches the outside, 

A hidden treasure is finally free.

Be the person you wish to see in the world. Be you, stay true. Be who you are, even if you are scared. I am scared all the time, but I won’t let the oppressive world stop me from living my life and staying true to myself.