Queing For Coffee

By Anna Hewitt

And just like that, you’re there, asking: why don’t you eat?

As if it’s easy. Eat. Don’t eat. Don’t think about weight

every second of every day, don’t think about being thin

or if you qualify for professional help because you’re sick,

sure, but are you sick enough? Are you all bones and skin

or skin and bones? Why don’t you eat? Because it’s hard

that’s why. All anybody says is it’s going to be hard

and what do they know? Have they ever tried to eat

through complex rules and rituals, starved until their skin

turns translucent? Or have the words ‘healthy weight’

ever sent shivers down their spine? I know that I am sick

all right? And it’s got nothing to do with ‘wanting to be thin’

or because girls are told to take up less space, or even that ‘thin’

is the key to a life of happiness. Life might not be so hard

if that were the case. I’m not ‘trying to be thin’ at all, I’m sick,

and I’ll still be sick if you call me crazy, or tell me to just eat

whatever weird food you think I need to help me gain weight

because you decided that I should, telling me that I’m all skin

whatever that means. Maybe if you focused on your own skin

once in a while you wouldn’t need to comment on how thin

or not thin somebody is or ask the dreaded have you lost weight?

like you might ask about the weather. It might well be hard

to mind your own business, but couldn’t you try? You say eat

like it hasn’t crossed my mind. Why don’t you eat? I’m sick!

But I should think of my mother, dealing with me so sick,

and always seeking attention. Maybe if I had thicker skin

I wouldn’t be so sensitive and then I wouldn’t refuse to eat.

Then again, maybe I’m just selfish, obsessed with ‘thin’

and whatever else you accuse me of. It really isn’t hard

to eat a pasty, I suppose, and I know I should gain weight

to make my doctor happy. But when did healthy weight

become synonymous with health? Am I not still sick

if my mind is still in overdrive, if I find eating hard,

or is ‘sick’ only real when you can see it on the skin?

I’m sick of you that’s for sure, my patience wearing thin

with every concerned comment I hear. I know I need to eat!

I’m sorry, but it’s hard for me to think about gaining weight

or what I should eat. Like right now, I know that I’m still sick

but I actually want the skinny latte, and my cake slice extra thin.