Tears Of An End

By Amy Evans

I asked my mum what she thought of dying 

And she sighed like she had been waiting for this question

Her lips pursed like she was keeping it in

Figuring out the correct words to thin out a weighted conversation 

We’re all trying to be patient 

With her illness 

But I thought that would illicit at least an honest answer

When you can’t stop the rolling months from pushing you into the ground, a sound of hope broke the silence

‘I don’t know’

She said 

‘I don’t want to have an emotion about it, so I won’t’ 

I closed my eyes so she wouldn’t see me crying 

Although I was trying to hold my feelings tightly in my eyelids 

She could see that my own question had subsided my reasoning 

Maybe I didn’t want to know the answer

Maybe I was upset there was no answer at all

But I felt like I had to ask 

Before she... was cast off 

‘I don’t want to live forever’ she said 

‘My head is weak, my breath shortened, my limbs a hanging thread. Memories are all I seem to have left. I’ve accepted the past is all I live for now. And I can bow down to it, crown myself with that glory. My story is ending. The plotline descending into a full stop. I can’t opt out of life. Death is part of the deal’

I really thought about what she said

Opening my eyes to the dread of releasing the expected tears. Tears of an end

But what she said made sense 

And I could feel her strength, lengthen every beat into a pendulum swinging, ticking over until