To Want It All

By Johanna Bergmark

I’m carrying the weight of all the thousands of lives I am not living. 

I’m aware chance has been the major determinant in my life.  

I’m able to make conversations with hundreds of people, yet no context feels like mine. 

I’m looking back at the previous selves I no longer am. 

I change with my surroundings. 

I am numerous different versions of one self.

I have got thousands of inner voices telling me who I am and who I want to become. 

I love who I am, and I hate what I cannot be. 

I want to do everything. 

I want to keep all doors open. 

I want to have all the chances. 

I want to be it all. 

And therefore, I make no choices. 

I lose chances and sometimes I feel like I’ve lost it all.

I become nobody.