By Caterina Biondi

 

Sometimes you meet someone and it feels like a film: a warmth grows inside your belly when you look at them, there are long and endless flowing conversations, a night when – a little bit faded – you danced to Dire Straits’ ‘Romeo and Juliet’ together and they whisper in your ear, ‘From now on, this is our song’. And your passions? So aligned! They even understand your weird obsession with 1920s vintage chairs.

 

How is it possible that they can suddenly stop texting you?

 

One of the best depictions of this behaviour is portrayed in Insecure, the semi-autobiographical American comedy show created by Issa Rae following her and her friends' lives. In one episode, Issa deals with the fact that the person she was dating, Nathan, has suddenly stopped replying to her. We watch her behaviour as it escalates from obsessively waiting for Nathan’s call to intrusive thoughts about her worth. Eventually, she goes to Nathan’s house to try and find answers.

 

This might seem excessive to some, but if you have ever experienced ghosting, you can probably relate. The term became popular around seven years ago when online dating apps started to change the way that we meet people and develop relationships. Dr Durvasula defines it as: ‘ghosting is exactly what it sounds like: it’s quietly disappearing from someone’s life, like a ghost [...]’.

 

Why ghosting is a product of the digital age

 

For most of us, a big part of our relationships are mediated through digital devices. We are used to being constantly updated on each others’ lives via social media or direct messages. The result is often that a lack of communication is seen as a problem and an absence of communication as disappearance. In the landline era, communication was more volatile and travelling harder, so vanishing was simple. Now, hyperconnection makes the absence harder to process.

 

Ghosting has also become more common with the popularisation of dating apps. Raul Navarro, speaking on dating apps, highlights the risk of the gamification aspect of them, which creates dynamics in which people and relationships become disposable, leading people to develop unhealthy relationship patterns.

 

Am I becoming crazy?

 

Being ghosted is about not having answers, which can cause instability, leading to obsessive thoughts of self-deprecation and self-consciousness. The clinical sex counsellor Claire Postl explains how being ghosted can trigger our insecurities: ‘It’s those unanswered questions that do the damage. You end up wondering, “What did I do wrong?” “Did something happen to them, are they in trouble?” “Do I need to do something different for someone to like me?” “Are they angry at me?”, all of which increases self-doubt.’

 

If left unprocessed, these feelings can have long-term consequences on the mental health of the person who has been ghosted, as observed by Navarro: ‘Long-term effects for “ghostees” centred around feelings of mistrust that developed over time, in some cases spilling over to future relationships. Such experiences often precipitated internalised rejection, self-blame and feelings of low self-worth.’

 

From the point of view of the ghost

 

There are many reasons why a person could decide to disappear instead of laying their card on the table. Often, this is a way to avoid the uneasiness of facing the other person’s feelings. Other reasons could be avoiding feelings that they themselves were not ready to pursue or to remove themselves from a toxic or unhealthy situation. Whilst it is definitely courageous to be able to remove yourself from a dangerous situation, not being able to communicate with a person that trusted you is problematic, not only for the ‘ghostees’ but also for the ‘ghost’, as this risks creating a pattern of avoidance that does not allow them to face their feelings and develop their emotional intelligence.

 

Fauna Solomon, from The Dating Truth, believes that one reason people would ghost is that they have not bonded with the other person. ‘A person who isn’t bonded to you doesn’t feel like they owe you an explanation. And you have to ask yourself, do they? […] If someone has not bonded with you, they see you as a stranger, no matter how you see them.’ Unfortunately, sometimes they just weren't that into you.

 

If ghosting means avoidance, then micro-breakup means acceptance

 

What is for sure is that facing the person who you do not want to see anymore will probably help you learn something about yourself. And this, even if painful in other ways, would not only mean closure for the person you are leaving but also the opportunity to process and accept rejection in a healthy way.

 

Sometimes it might seem preferable to sail the uncertain waves of ghosting than go through the painful truth of a micro-breakup. But maybe, if the focus is on closure and processing things in a healthy way, then the breakup, or micro-breakup, is the best option. Of course, you will still need to face some hard truths about yourself, realising that some people cannot love some parts of your true self even if you love them. But the positive side of clarity is knowing people who are considerate of your feelings exist, even if you aren’t quite right for each other.

 

A message to the black hole

 

If you have been ghosted you are probably spiralling. How do we get closure? While punching and kicking the door is probably tempting, the truth is that talking calmly through the door, even if no one answers back, is the best option. Send a message to the person explaining how the ghosting made you feel, and saying goodbye to them, could be your best option to get closure. The process will still be long and you will probably fall back into unhealthy habits from time to time, but be kind to yourself. Step by step, move on.