Beyond the Barrier of Penetration: How Vaginismus Led Me to a More Adventurous Sex Life
By Jamie-Lee Alexander
The Oxford dictionary describes sexual intercourse as being ‘between individuals involving penetration’. This is, primarily, what we’re taught growing up. Even in an age where queer sex is more widely acknowledged, sex between those with a penis and those with a vulva is still taught with penetration centre stage.
I’ve always loved sex, whether it be with myself or someone else. But as someone with vaginismus, penetrative sex is something that I have only been able to achieve in my twenties. When I first started ‘doing the deed’ as it were, being a queer woman who had only had sex with other women meant penetration wasn’t something that came as a real barrier with a partner.
However, when I met my current long-term partner I worried that my lack of penetration appreciation would be an issue. Luckily, I picked a gooden. When I sat in front of him during our first coffee date with a BPM of 103 (I was shitting myself, if you couldn’t tell), and explained my vagina to the poor bloke, he simply replied with a small shoulder shrug and a very succinct, ‘that’s ok, I love giving head.’
Thus followed the best sex I’ve ever had. We’ve explored ways to pleasure each other beyond the goal of penetration and even now it is something we are able to do (apparently my vagina is more willing to listen to him than me), our sex life has blossomed into something far more rounded and satisfying than the classic foreplay, fuck and frantic cum run. But many people are curious as to what can possibly be better than the Oxford definition of sex. Well, strap yourselves in and let me fucking tell you.
My partner wasn’t lying; he loves giving head and he’s bloody good at it. For us, oral was the main basis of our sex life for quite some time and is something that we are still more than happy to base an evening around. Despite being mainly thought of as foreplay (or heartbreakingly not much thought of at all), there is so much fun to be had with just ten fingers and a tongue.
For me, this kind of sex is one of the most intimate. Even in our more intense moments, it always makes me feel more connected. Exploring all the ways we could do oral – from the front, the back, laying down, standing up, on our knees, even both receiving at the same time (though I will say, us both being tall definitely helps with that last one) – allowed me to feel comfortable in variation and allow myself to have fun.
The other area of sex that we thoroughly explored (and continue to) was sex toys. Toys had been something I had always loved and was excited to use with my partner. We started with the simple bullet and have since tried everything from remote control (the first time we used it I orgasmed so hard I shit myself – if that doesn’t speak for the quality of that toy, I don’t know what will), to wands that are so powerful they can be felt through denim jeans. There are many things that I am still excited to try, the combination of ever improving technology and my partner’s open mind means I am forever looking for the next wonderful addition to my bedside drawer.
I feel grateful for the openness of my partner and their willingness to explore. Toys can be an unknown concept to bring into the bedroom and can be intimidating for some people, but for us, it was a whole other element of sex we could traverse and enjoy together. And really, who doesn’t love stimulating 20,000 nerve endings at once?
The variety we found in our sex lives, without penetration, and the amount of excitement and fulfilment we got from it showed me that the stigma peddled that sex between opposite sex partners has to involve penetration simply isn’t true. It was freeing; it gave me permission to stop waiting for my vagina to be ‘normal’, to stop thinking penetration was what I needed to do to please my partner.
I stopped feeling betrayed by my body and started celebrating the opportunity vaginismus was giving me: a chance to explore sex in ways many people would never even think to.
Jamie is a student and freelance writer from the UK. They have a passion for the encouragement of sexual expression after dealing with many vagina-related ‘problems’ over the years, sharing their experience so that we can all feel a little more normal.