Confessions from a Sex Worker: How Sex Work Has Shaped My Perception of Womanhood
By Lexi Chanel
When I was younger, I couldn't have imagined that I would become a sex worker or that I would be (kinda) proud of it. I suppose it was my internalised misogyny that made me think this way; I was subconsciously categorising those who did sex work as ‘other’, which implies there is a divide between ‘regular’ girls and sex workers. Or should I say, the ‘nice girl’ versus the ‘slut’, ‘whore’, ‘hoe’, or whatever other derogatory names you want to call us. I have been a sex worker now for over a year, and I have learned many lessons in that time.
Sex work is a broad term for different professions in the sex industry. Some people are strippers. Other people are escorts, cam workers, sugar babies, or offer massage services. Many are involved in multiple streams of sex work.
So, how did I get into it? When I was 18 years old and in my first year at university, my roommates were talking about this website where you can meet and chat with sugar daddies. They explained it to me, and it seemed pretty straightforward – go on dates, get paid. I decided to try it out. Some men took me out to fancy breakfasts, shopping trips, and to 5-star hotels. Other men, who couldn’t necessarily afford that lifestyle, would buy groceries for me or edit my academic essays for school.
Of course, I’ve had my share of weird encounters; but overall, these men just wanted companionship. I thought to myself: why are men paying more for companionship rather than just hiring somebody who sells sex exclusively?
This was the beginning of my interest in sex work. As a public policy university student, I wrote academic papers on the decriminalisation of sex work, so I've always had an educational interest in the policies surrounding sex workers’ safety and protection. Now, in my daily life as an escort, I know the difference between the theory and the practice of these laws.
About two years after I began going on dates, I became a Hostess at a Spa in the Ottawa Massage industry. It was challenging, more challenging mentally than physically. I had dreams of being a lawyer, a policy-maker, a business owner, or a diplomat; I felt far away from those dreams. So many thoughts were going through my head. I'm a nice girl. How did I end up here? How did this happen to me? Is this my life now? I was focused on the morality of selling sex. But the truth is that this job is much more than just sex. For instance, sex work is one of the only jobs that can't be replaced by a robot or a machine. Men pay more for companionship than just sex. They want that genuine connection and the overall experience of intimacy.
"What's a girl like you doing in a job like this?" Like many providers, I came for the money, but I stayed because it's more than just sex. Sex work has given me a way to financially dominate in a man’s world. When I was working part-time at random jobs, it was difficult to see a way to climb the ladder. However, starting sex work allowed me to see earnings with no limits, which is far better than when I would earn $14 an hour standing all day at the cash register while my male manager yelled at me for slightly slouching at the counter.
Despite the financial benefits, there are drawbacks to being a sex worker. Burnout is widespread in the sex industry. When you keep trying to outperform yourself or others, this can lead to burnout. Most providers work for themselves, meaning they are the one who is responding to your messages, they are the one who is posting their content. They are the one who shows up to the booking. I find it's a balancing act between your physical and emotional wellbeing. Your favourite sex worker is probably tired; bring them a coffee or a snack.
Though I am a sex worker, sex is only 5% of the job. So, what do I do the rest of the time? A lot of emotional labour, for one. If you don’t know, Emotional Labour is the name given to how we manage our emotions to meet the dynamic requirements of a job: faking a smile for clients when you're exhausted, texting back clients in a sea of messages, brushing off that weird comment from a client. You could argue that what I really am is a sexy, unqualified therapist. I spend my days talking to clients and building relationships. Although it is my work, I genuinely enjoy building these connections. You wouldn't say a therapist doesn't care about their clients just because they’re paid, would you? A sex worker can genuinely enjoy her job while maintaining personal boundaries.
In the sex industry, it's unfortunately common for providers to be survivors of sexual assault and abuse. After I was sexually assaulted in my childhood, I restricted myself from all forms of love. I felt like the woman was stripped out of me. For years, I refrained from all sexual activity. Limiting myself from even emotional states of love, I felt uncomfortable if someone told me that they loved me. I felt cold and detached from my sexuality. I felt disconnected from what makes me a woman. I didn't know it at the time, but sex work gave me the chance to reclaim the woman inside me. Sex work brought out a different side of the same me; as a companion, I am nurturing and compassionate. This is a side that I don't usually see in my regular life because it's hard to reveal the sensitive parts of yourself after being resilient for so long.
Before sex work, I never felt comfortable in my womanhood. I was always told that I didn't look ‘womanly’ enough. I don't have those large hips and huge tits. I have other unique features, but I don’t look like what your first impression of an escort would be. I don't necessarily view myself as a woman yet; I'm a young adult, started at 20 years old. In my opinion, I look borderline childlike. In the beginning, I questioned if I would survive in the industry without changing my body through plastic surgery. After months of considering it, the only solution I found was learning to love myself for who I am. The thing is, if you have small breasts, men who enjoy large breasts will be deterred. But if you enhance your breasts to be bigger, men who want small breasts will be discouraged. You can’t please everyone. Realising this took the pressure off my appearance and helped me to love for myself for me.
Sex work revealed to me that womanhood isn't what you look like. Femininity, to me, is being able to be there and provide for your loved ones. Femininity is being attentive, a good listener, a calming presence. Those were the characteristics of my female role models growing up. Strong, passionate, and authentic women. I saw these qualities within my fellow peers in the industry. Your local sex worker is also a mother. Your local sex worker is also a sister. Your local sex worker is a community member.
These are my honest thoughts about my life and career. I aim to educate sex workers through personal experiences. I am an escort, and I am coming to terms with being proud of that fact. Most importantly, I have found the woman I've been searching for; I found her within myself.
Lexi Chanel is a 22-year-old professional Luxury Escort, Companion, and Content Creator in Ottawa, Ontario. Find her on Twitter @Queenlex789.