By Tilly Aistrop

 

Anyone who’s old enough to remember the unrealistic yet somehow aspirational rom-com How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days is most likely old enough to have as dire a dating life as me. If you’re craving that ‘90s whirlwind romance, then you’re reading the right article. Not because I have some magical instructions on how to manifest movie-like love, but because I have a myriad of failed romances that you can learn from. Finding the right person is all about discounting all the wrong people first, and the best way to do that is by knowing the red flags to watch out for…

 

Star-sign Litmus Test

 

For some cosmic reason, there’s an influx of people (typically straight men) that fly off the handle when you dare to ask, ‘What’s your star sign?’ Why it would ever warrant that much aggression is beyond me – they’re probably just an Aries. But if the person trying to date you spits their dummy out over star signs, then they’re probably not worth dating.

 

Dial Tone

 

Have you ever been on a date with someone who has a loser personality and a face completely different to their profile picture? Did you find yourself thinking, ‘fuck it, I’ve got a pint now, surely this date can’t get worse’? Were you then horribly disappointed and surprised when it did? I found myself politely drinking with this rude bore, just for him to take a ten-minute phone call in front of me, not once, not twice, but five times! It’s bloody fair enough to say he wasn’t getting a text back when he (audaciously) tried to hit me up after the date.

 

Mr. Snooze

 

There’s been a hundred-and-one dates where I've felt my eyelids drooping and my mouth trembling to yawn – and no, it’s not because I've drunk half a bottle of wine! Some people just lack social and conversational skills. It’s as if they’re allergic to paying attention to you, answering questions with more than one word, or looking at you (rather than at the pretty blonde behind you). If I'm on a date, I want to feel like I'm on a date! Not like I'm back in nursery being put to sleep by a rude, distracted, avoidant nursery worker.

 

‘Have You Considered The Gym?’

 

This is a question I was seriously asked on a first date. The follow-up was that I should really consider it. Are you cringing reading that? Imagine what it was like when I was sitting there being told it! No one should feel insulted or humiliated over their appearance, so if this happens to you, do what I didn't and walk out on them.

 

11 pm Drinks

 

You start chatting to someone you proper fancy. The anticipation of meeting them builds. Finally. It. Happens. They ask you out (which is great because you were way too nervous to ask them yourself)! But there’s a catch: they want to meet for 11 pm drinks. There’s usually only one reason someone wants to meet you late at night, to get drunk, when the bars are soon closing… Sure they still ‘want to get to know you’, but they probably want to get to know you with your clothes off.

 

Birds Of A Feather

 

Once, I was on a double date, meeting this lad’s friends for the first time. We waited for two hours for his friends to show up. When they did, they didn’t give any reason for why they were late or even apologise for it. I brought this up to him later, and he gaslit me into thinking it’s normal to make people wait hours to see you. It gave a valuable insight into how he and his friends respected me and my time, which was not at all. His friends also refused to speak to me or ask me any questions, making me uncomfortable and anxious the entire night. His friend's unkindness was an omen for his own hurtfulness and pettiness that I was yet to see. Friendship groups often have communal red flags.

 

Personality Catfish

 

You are on a dating app, fighting for your life to have a semi-decent conversation with quite literally anyone. Finally, someone has good craic! Then the dreaded date comes. You expect to have a good time. Out of nowhere, the politeness, the humour, and the attentiveness are all thrown out the bloody window. There’s a complete shift in personality and speech. Instead of, ‘Tell me more about yourself?’, they’re starting arguments over pornography and feminism. You’re completely caught off guard. Thinking you were meeting a funny, like-minded person, you end up with an agitating, instigating, rude prick. GET OUT OF THERE!

 

Sleeping Baby

 

I was once enjoying myself on a date in a cocktail bar (which isn’t hard for someone who loves cocktails) when things took a weird turn. My date says he’s tired, and then he asks me to ‘put his baby to sleep’. Odd, right? Well, I confusedly agreed. What I didn’t realise is that his ‘sleeping baby’ was his penis, and putting it to sleep, well, you can figure that out. He started to unzip himself under the table. Fortunately, when I told him to stop he did, so I wasn't subjected to his ‘baby’. But it’s still horribly weird for someone to call their penis that, and for them to try and get it out in a public bar, with someone they’ve just met.

 

The Complainer

 

You’re in a fancy restaurant, the lights are all low and romantic like you’re in a movie, and they’re serving wine in fancy glasses. It’s a moment you just want to savour, because of the classiness of it all. But then, the entire night, your date is complaining. The drinks are not what they want. The food is slow to come. Dry. Everything is an issue. And if the constant complaining wasn’t off-putting enough, they spit their food out of their mouth in front of you. It’s as un-fun as it’s disgusting.

 

Stander-upper

 

Embarrassing as it is, I'm brave enough to admit that I’ve been stood up more than once. More than twice. Every time I get to whatever bar or restaurant they’ve picked out (because of course they specified the time and place for the date they weren’t going to attend), and I wait around. Cold because I thought I'd wear something cute rather than practical. I text them asking where they are, to which they reply that they can’t come now. Great. I reckon some camera crew are going to pop out and film my humiliation, or that the bald man at the bus stop has magically figured out I’ve been stood up and is about to burst out laughing. What makes it worse is when they have the nerve to try and hit you up, after standing you up. As if you would like to ‘come over’ after they’ve just publicly humiliated you.

 

I swear that there must be better people out there who won’t behave like this.