From Heartbreak to Celibacy: My Journey to Self-Love

By Leandra Manon

My choice to become celibate did not stem from religion, nor am I choosing to wait until marriage. To tell you the truth, my choice to abstain from sex comes from a broken heart. That’s right folks. I got my heart broken at the age of 21 and decided that I never wanted to experience any sexual or romantic emotions for the rest of my life. 

Ok, so obviously that’s not true. At least not anymore. 

To give some context: when I was younger, I entered a lust-driven, on again off again, too-toxic-to-put-into-words relationship. It lasted for a year and a half, and it really did a number on me. My confidence was non-existent; I couldn’t identify with the person I saw through the mirror. After I broke things off, I knew that I needed a break from relationships. 

When I really sat down with myself and took a moment to analyse my romantic history, I couldn’t believe how much I had endured. From the ages of 17-21, my life had revolved around relationships, hook-ups, drama, toxicity and abuse. Every relationship I had ever been in had taken away a piece of my identity, chipping away at the person I had spent so long trying to build up. 

Coming to terms with how much I’ve changed led me to another realisation. I was never taught how to properly love myself. It’s not hard to understand the correlation between self-love and relationships and how loving yourself will help you navigate your relationships better. I, on the other hand, didn’t think this was necessary.

Yes, I was – and sometimes still am – that person that believed that you don’t have to love yourself to be able to love someone else. What can I say? I’ve watched one too many rom coms. Growing up, I used to hear the saying, ‘You can’t love someone else until you love yourself. This profound statement was never followed up with any tips or tricks on how to love myself. It felt like I was just supposed to figure it out, but I never got around to doing so – until now. 

Celibacy, to me, isn’t just abstaining from sex. Rather, it is choosing to focus on yourself outside of the sexual lens. Through celibacy, I’ve discovered things about myself that I wouldn’t have realised otherwise. I came to understand how much my sense of security depended on the male gaze (a term used to describe the sexualised way men look at and objectify women). 

I always thought of myself as someone who wasn’t reliant on the acceptance of others, and coming to terms with how failing to love myself early on led to many uncomfortable situations later was a big deal for me. With this understanding came clarity. I learned to set boundaries in and out of relationships and gained a deeper understanding of what I want and don’t want, of how I’m getting treated and how I deserve to be treated. It’s been almost two years since I’ve become celibate. I feel as though I have more of a grasp on who I am. But celibacy hasn’t come without its setbacks. 

Being celibate sounds very foreign to a lot of people, especially in my generation of dating apps, hook-up culture and situationships. Choosing to be celibate in my 20s has raised a lot of eyebrows. Many question, ‘How can you do it for so long?’ or tell me ‘You’re single, you should be having fun!’ Who says I’m not? 

Many assume that celibacy is an act of sexual imprisonment, when in fact it can be just as liberating as being sexually active. And I want to stress this: choosing to abstain from sex or choosing to be sexually active is perfectly fine. Anyone that tries to shame you for it is not someone worth listening to. 

Choosing to abstain from sex doesn’t mean that you can’t flirt with someone or kiss someone. Everyone has different boundaries when it comes to being celibate, just how everyone has different boundaries when it comes to being sexually active. It all depends on the person. For me, celibacy has made me a lot more comfortable with my sexuality. I choose to still practice self-pleasure. I’ve learned more about myself sexually, without the presence of another person – something that feels very liberating to me. 

Yes, there are times when I crave sexual intimacy with a partner, and yes, celibacy paired with being single can sometimes make me feel lonely. Part of being celibate is accepting that we are all human and that most people crave intimacy. 

Another part of being celibate is figuring out your ‘why’. Why you chose to become celibate, and why you continue to stay celibate. For me, I chose to become celibate because I felt broken; I continue to stay celibate because I now feel empowered.

Check out more of Leandra’s content over at her new blog: https://medium.com/@Its__Lee