By Victoria Knox

 

I’ve been single for the majority of my adult life. Most of the time I adore my independence; it has allowed me to work abroad, build amazing friendships and have the freedom to do what I like, when I like. But just because an individual is single for a long time doesn’t mean one is impervious to loneliness.

 

This feeling crept up on me last year, seeping into every aspect of my life during the long, dark winter months. I’d recently gone through several changes: I was recently out of a situationship, working from home and living by myself. My friends were scattered across time zones, our main method of communication being sending each other memes and TikToks. I felt like a lone ship, spending time alone at home and feeling like a loser. How long would it take for my absence to be noticed, should something happen to me?

 

The low point came when I was lying on my sofa scrolling through Instagram. I’d been there so long that sunset had come and gone and I was in the dark, having been too lazy to turn the lights on. On my feed, I saw an old school friend. She was sharing her proposal photos: a path of rose petals and candles led towards the glittering New York City skyline, the perfect backdrop to the happy couple, whose elation beamed straight to me in my dark living room.

 

I was examining the photos a little too closely, zooming in on her manicure and elegant white dress, when a message popped up at the top of the screen: ‘U up later?’ I almost threw my phone away. It simply wasn’t fair. Why did this girl get the fairy tale ending, while all I got was a booty call?

 

I forced myself to take a breath and think logically. Although the school friend and I had lost touch, I knew she must have worked hard to achieve her success and happiness. Sitting at home feeling sorry for myself wasn’t going to make my life better. I ignored the message, knowing that this gentleman wasn’t going to help my loneliness and feelings of inadequacy.

 

Being single isn’t always easy. Here is my advice on how to be single when you’re feeling pretty shit.

 

Focus on you and what makes you happy

 

It sounds cheesy and simple, but in those (literally) dark days, I just concentrated on doing small things that I enjoyed. I treated myself to hot chocolates in local cafes. I wandered around bookshops. I made more of an effort to keep in touch with friends.

 

One of my close friends and I started to plan a holiday to celebrate our thirtieth birthdays. I used this moment to go all in. I embraced the spreadsheets, Google Docs, Facetimes and analysing prices on Skyscanner. Our other friend joined us, and it gave us something to look forward to. The result was one of the best holidays I’ve ever been on and some long-lasting memories.

 

Embrace new friendship opportunities

 

Since I had no boyfriend or flatmate waiting for me at home, and not many friends near me, I ended up spending a lot of time at the gym. It was initially a time-filler, but gradually became more. I started attending classes, then joined another group that focused on building a community as well as getting fit. After one of these classes, I made a new friend.

 

The Italian girl was new to the city and was looking for a cat-sitter. Before I knew what I was doing, I blurted out that I could help her. This wasn’t completely selfless – I love cats and was missing spending time with a pet – but there was a small feeling telling me to go for it, even though we’d only exchanged a few polite words. When I went over to her flat to meet the cat later that week, we chatted for over an hour, talking as if we’d been friends for years.

 

Another opportunity presented itself a few months later. I was still enjoying spending time with my fitness friends, but I felt a bit of loneliness outside of these classes. One day, a friend in Canada posted on her Instagram story that she knew someone who was looking for a flat in Edinburgh. Going solely on the trust that my friend is nice, and she wouldn’t be advertising for someone horrible, I replied straight away that I had a free room. An hour or so later, I wondered what I had done. This could be a psycho for all I knew! But a few Zoom calls later, I was assured that this Canadian girl and I would get on well as flatmates.

 

My mother said in a hushed tone that she could lend me money if I needed when I phoned to tell her the news, but I assured her that it wasn’t just about the money. Ok, it was sort of about the money – there’s a cost-of-living crisis on – but it was also about the company. Now, my flatmate has been living here for almost five months. We’ve fallen into our own routine and have even gone on holiday together. With my Italian friend, we’ve merged friendship groups and have had dinners together, celebrated birthdays, watched the Barbie movie and are now planning a trip to Italy.

 

It took a while to get here, but I’m so glad I listened to my gut and put myself out there when it felt right (and a little scary) to do so.

 

Go on dates. Or don’t. But embrace the single life!

 

I have no hard and fast rules about dating. I oscillate between two moods. In the first, I’m swiping on the apps every day and enjoy dating as a way to try new bars and meet new people. Over the past year, I’ve been on two walking dates, an ice-cream date, a ghost tour date, a Netflix and Chill date, a Christmas market date, three speed-dating events and countless dinner and drinks dates.

 

Some of these were fun, some were just ok; some led to more dates, some didn’t. There was another brief situationship. Without consciously realising, I’d relaxed and was allowing myself to simply enjoy the dating process, not wishing desperately for The One, just enjoyable company.

 

When I wasn’t dating, I simply didn’t date. There have been periods when I just didn’t have the time to meet anyone new. I went on holiday, I focused on work, I spent time with friends and looked forward to the time when I could just lie on the sofa alone.

 

Now, about a year on from the aforementioned engagement post, my life has changed. There was no quick fix to my situation. No self-help books, no fun montage, just lots of small gradual changes and saying yes to new situations. My status as a single person is a small facet of who I am. Sure, I’d like to get married one day, but for now, I am enjoying concentrating on myself and the things that make me happy. I now have more friends where I am (who will definitely notice my absence should something happen to me), fulfilling hobbies that help my physical and mental wellbeing, and a healthier attitude to dating.