Mean Girls or Golden Girls? The Spectrum of Female Friendship

By Emily Cowley-Durow

Have you ever thought about how wild it is that our periods sync up when we spend an extended amount of time together? As if it wasn’t nutty enough that we bleed in response to the moon, like fucking haemophiliac werewolves, we also have the power to link our cycles with those that are closest to us. I don’t care what anyone (actual scientists) say; I think that’s pure magic. 

Any woman who has been drunk in a club toilet will be able to tell you that we have this innate capacity to bond, quickly and forcibly, with other women, even if we have absolutely nothing in common. Give me a few tequilas and put me in front of a crying stranger, and I’ll be hugging her and telling her that he’s not worth it in seconds. But it’s not all sweetness and light; the spectrum on which female friendships exist is a vast one. On one end is this type of beautiful, unconditional encouragement and support. On the other end is unhealthy co-dependency built on manipulation and toxicity. 

So why the disparity? The club toilet is a vacuum, a place free from the social expectations of the dancefloor. It provides us with a level playing field on which we can express our emotions and be open with one another, with the comfort of knowing no one will remember in the morning anyway. But out here in the real world, there are tangible barriers to our bonding. 

We are taught implicitly from a young age that there are limited spaces available to women, whether professionally or socially, and so we learn to compete with one another for scraps. The idea of lifting our female counterparts up is terrifying to us, as though by encouraging you to be successful, I am somehow limiting my own success. Of course, this is entirely backwards, but by the time many people reach the realisation that we must work collaboratively to carve out space for all women, it's too late – we’ve already cultivated unhealthy relationships with one another that are founded on jealousy and competitiveness. 

Our social skills are developed over the course of our childhood and into our teenage years, meaning that exposure to unhealthy relationships within that time can affect our ability to interact with one another in a way that is mutually rewarding. Without doing any research at all, I would guess that in secondary schools, the groups of friends who spend break and lunchtimes standing around chatting to one another will experience more tumultuous relationships than those who spend their downtime playing sports, reading, or studying. 

At my school, this meant that while I was learning how to navigate the complex political landscape of my friendship group, others were honing their ability to kick a football as hard as possible at each other’s arses. And generally speaking, it was the boys who were playing ‘red arse’ while the girls argued about who told Chloe that Lily said her shoes made her look like a frumpy milkmaid. (This is not to say that the boys had it easy. But the damage caused by toxic masculinity deserves an article of its very own.) As a staunch feminist, generalisations like this give me the ick, but it was certainly true of my experience. 

There’s a collective eye roll around the globe whenever a woman uses the phrase “I just get on much better with men, there’s less drama”. It feels like a betrayal to womankind, like calling Frida Kahlo a slag. While male friendships are side-by-side, cultivated through similarities (work, hobbies, texting other girls), female friendships are face-to-face, growing and developing as a result of emotional connection. The men in my life have (mostly) drama-free friendship groups, but they don’t know about each other’s mad dreams, recurring medical issues, or disgusting crushes. 

As women, we are evolutionarily hardwired to nurture emotional intimacy with our friends and create these deep connections with one another, which can cause a lot of pain if you’re connected to someone who doesn’t have your best interests at heart. There are some women who are seemingly perfect, born with an understanding that we need to stick together rather than tearing one another down. But for a lot of us, this realisation is hard-earned. We leave a trail of heartache and broken friendships as we reconcile our socialised desire to be the only successful woman in the world with our innate desire to love and support one another.  

Through learning how to manage the all-or-nothing nature of our relationships, we are armed with an ability to spot Our People, wherever we are lucky enough to encounter them. These are the girls you can trust explicitly to keep the hand dryer on when you get diarrhoea at the pub; the ones who are proud to tell the world when you have good news that you were too scared to share; the ones with whom your bond is so strong you’re more like sisters than friends. By opening ourselves up emotionally to one another, we leave ourselves vulnerable to exploitation and abuse. But we’re also available for the deepest, most intimate connections with each other, connections which can only be achieved through true vulnerability. 

How many of your friends make you feel included, listened to, valued, loved, beautiful, powerful, strong, free? Friendship shouldn’t come with conditions other than the reciprocation of love and respect. As women, we have been given a gift – the ability to forge strong, enriching bonds that can last forever and that can provide us with all the motivation and support we need to navigate a world that often seems hell-bent on keeping us down. We are stronger together than we could ever be apart. In a society designed to keep women small, quiet, unambitious, and unquestioning, find your people. Find the ones who fill you with the fire you need to keep going, the ones that protect you when you feel weak and project you when you feel strong. And if you happen to find them in a club toilet, give them a hug from me.