Missing the Dating-and-Sex-Train: My Life as an Asexual

By Gladys Elskens

Sex has always been something that I only ever wanted with someone I had a strong emotional bond with. When I was younger, my friends agreed with me and said they felt the same. As we grew up, however, they started kissing people at parties, having casual sex, and getting into one relationship after another. They also started saying that I just needed to try it; I would change my mind about casual sex ‘once I got into it’. 

I didn’t get into it. I didn’t get into it at all. One by one, I saw my friends board the dating-and-sex-train that I somehow always seemed to miss. People told me that I needed to let go of the idea of finding ‘the one’, but I knew how dating and sex worked. I just really, really couldn’t see it working for me.

Demisexuality

I first learnt about demisexuality the same way one learns about all things that actually matter in life – by reading One Direction fanfiction. In the particular story I read, one of the characters was demisexual. When he explained what it was, I got this strange feeling. Oh. 

The short definition: demisexuality is when you only experience sexual attraction after making a strong emotional connection with a person. It means that there is no primary attraction, which is attraction based on things like appearance and smell. For a lot of people, it also means that it’s (very) rare for them to be sexually attracted to someone.

But that can’t be me! Can it? 

The possibility that I was demisexual made sense, but I also had a million questions. Demisexuality falls under the asexual umbrella, which scared me because I didn’t understand the nuances of these labels. I thought that being asexual meant that you wanted nothing to do with sex. How could I be asexual? I masturbate! 

I discovered that asexuality exists on a spectrum. Yes, there are people who have no sexual desire, but that is not the case for everyone who identifies as asexual. In order to determine if I was asexual, I watched YouTube videos, I had a look on different forums, and I even did those idiotic tests. Everything seemed to fit. You mostly fall in love with friends. Check. You’ve been called a prude. CHECK. Looks are irrelevant to you. Yep. You don’t get flirting, dating, or hook-up culture. HAHAHA.

Okay… and?

Let me explain this in a concrete way. I don’t see the point in kissing someone – let alone having sex with someone – for fun. The idea makes me highly uncomfortable. To me, it’s something that could be part of a relationship; it’s not an essential part. I would be perfectly happy in a romantic relationship without partnered sex. 

Being attracted to someone because of their looks seems very odd to me. When friends show me pictures of the person they’re dating, and they want me to confirm that they’ve made a good choice, I never know what to say because I think it’s strange that they’re even focusing on looks in the first place. I won’t sit here and act like I don’t think some people are better-looking than others, but it’s all very theoretical. There’s no connection between the people I find good-looking and the people I would want to have sex with. When I like someone, I only start thinking of them as physically attractive after a bond has been established.

There have only been a handful (is three a handful?) of people I liked in a romantic way. But even though I would wonder what it would be like to do stuff with them, afterwards I would see them in real life, look at them, and think that I would rather drown myself than kiss them.

Keep your options open? You guys have options?! 

I used to tell myself that I just hadn’t found the right person yet, but I didn’t understand why my friends were meeting potential partners every couple of weeks and why it only happened to me every decade.

I’ve lost count of how many times people have told me to just pick someone up at a bar and get it over with. I don’t think there is anything wrong with having casual dates or casual sex. I just think we shouldn’t assume that this is the way to go for everyone.

It’s a no from me

This brings me to dating. What an absolute fucking nightmare. I don’t for the life of me understand how people meet a stranger, flirt with them a bit, and all of a sudden find themselves in a relationship. I have only ever been attracted to people I was friends with, and I can’t imagine it any other way.

The idea of going on a date and knowing that you’re both there to see if the other person would be a good partner seems so unnatural to me that I find it difficult to believe people do this for fun. I have done it, twice, and I hated every second. The whole time, I was thinking: I could be at home reading a book right now.

And let’s say I did meet someone on a dating app. How would that even work? I know people expect certain things to happen after a couple of dates. Do I just say, I know it’s date twelve, but the thought of you touching me still makes me want to vomit so how about we hang out for a year or two, and maybe I’ll start liking you and maybe I won’t. Sound good? I don’t know much about dating etiquette, but I have a feeling that most people wouldn’t be up for this.

We as a society seem to think that everyone needs to want sex and that everyone needs to like sex. And, of course, a relationship has to be the ultimate goal, which is ridiculous. Some people only want to have sex in very specific circumstances. Some people don’t want to have sex or be in a relationship ever. There’s not much room to express these feelings for those that have them. I’ve had people tell me that they would be relieved if they never had to have sex again but that they’ve accepted it as part of their lives or relationships. That worries me.

Is this a coming out?

I’m still not sure what label I feel most comfortable using. There’s also still a part of me that thinks that I can’t be 100% sure about the label that I’ve chosen. Maybe I’ve just never met someone I immediately felt attracted to? What if there’s a Samantha Jones inside of me, waiting to break free? And once she’s unleashed, will I feel silly that I ever shared this? 

All I know is that right now it feels good to know that I’m not the only one who feels this way. I’m sharing my own experience so that others like me feel less alone. There’s no one way to live. It’s time people realised that.