By Anonymous  

Undesirable, ashamed, and broken.

That is the way that I felt when I knew it was over with S. Fighting back the tears, I got dressed and noticed blood in my underwear. S walked me out of his place, and I tried to act normal but this was difficult – he had just told me that my pussy was too small. I was horrified and wanted to scream, but I was too overwhelmed to. How had this happened again? And with a man who I finally trusted and thought I was going to have amazing sex with? I never felt so ashamed of my body.

My blue surgical mask was soaked in tears as I sat on the train home. I could not stop crying and replaying what had happened in my head. My broken “small pussy” had let him down. The pain I had been in when he tried to insert his penis into my vagina was terrible. It felt like a wall was blocking his penis from going in and he was so determined it was going to happen that he just kept pushing. I tried my best to look away from him and fake moaned to cover my distress. 

I desperately wanted to feel normal. I could feel my vaginal muscles tightening every time S tried to get in. I’ve been in this position before with other men, but I thought that it would be different with S. I loved him and thought that maybe he would be the one to ‘fix me’ down there. Months of feeling hopeless came and kept coming. Every time I heard the word ‘sex’ I would break down in tears. I isolated myself. With this isolation came the memories: I started to remember being violated as a child and the time that I was sexually assaulted a few years ago. 

I could not understand why my experience with S reminded me of traumatic events in my past. Before I started seeing S, I had decided to repress all my sexual feelings because I associated sex with pain. But S swooped in and helped me find my sexual awakening in my late 20s. I never felt so free with a man. S was so open and we spoke about everything from consent to our fantasies. 

Before we met on the day things ended, we spent weeks sexting (videos and photos) during lockdown. It made me feel so excited but also anxious as penetration has always been painful for me. It got to a point where I could not insert my fingers or use any of my sex toys. If I did, I would bleed because I was forcing them in. I felt so broken every time this happened and started to believe that I was not worthy of pleasure or sex.

A year before lockdown, I came across an illustration by Hazel Mead. There was a drawing of a couple and next to it read erectile dysfunction and vaginismus. I was too scared to Google it at the time but suspected I might have the sexual dysfunction depicted by Mead. After my experience with S, I decided to Google the latter word. As I read down the list on my screen, it was confirmed: I had all the symptoms of vaginismus. 

Vaginismus is a condition that causes your vaginal muscles to tighten upon any form of penetration. It makes intercourse or medical procedures, like a smear test, almost impossible and very painful. Anyone can get vaginismus, and at any point, regardless of whether you have previously had painless penetrative sex. 

On my Google search, something called dilators popped up. They looked like straight shaped dildos. Dilators are used to stretch the vaginal muscles and come in a range of sizes (length and width). The dilators I purchased ranged from approximately 1 inch (dilator 1) to 8 inches (dilator 8). I had no idea what to do with them, so ended up forcing them in and this caused bleeding. I discovered that you’re meant to relax your pelvic floor muscles and then insert the dilator for a couple of minutes, gradually moving up to the next size at your own pace. 

After two months, I went from using dilator 1 to dilator 7 and was happy because I could finally use my sex toys, which had begun to gather dust. However, this happy feeling didn’t last long – I could not get dilator 8 in and was terrified of having sex again. This impacted my mental well-being to the point that I felt extremely low. I felt like vaginismus was destroying my life.

Some days I meditated to help manage my anxiety. I also spoke to women online who have or have had vaginismus. Even though their stories were helpful, I could not find anyone who was also a victim of sexual assault. I finally spoke to a friend who encouraged me to talk to a doctor, so I contacted the sexual health clinic and told the female advisor that I think I have vaginismus. To my surprise, she told me that she had it ten years ago and that it was very common. She also promised me that it will not last forever, and that it can be treated. She then referred me for psychosexual therapy.

Psychosexual therapy was the best thing that I ever did. I worked on creating a positive sexual sense of myself by exploring my body and learning to love myself. I was also unlearning all the myths I had been told about sex and focusing on my needs as a sexual being. In two months, I got dilator 8 in and started using all types of sex toys. After years of being silent and struggling alone, I am amazed by what I have achieved. 

Start with loving yourself, and anything is possible. I feel better than I have in years. 

Sexy, empowered, and free.