Queerly Beloved: A HER Success Story
By Willow Martins, for Heroica x HER
I’ve always known I was queer, that I liked men and women. It took a little while to admit, though this wasn’t because my sexuality was something I was ashamed of. Simply, my first relationship at 16 was with a man, and I was so completely and utterly obsessed with him that no one else crossed my mind for the five years we were together. Well, with the exception of Megan Fox’s character in Jennifer’s Body. But can you blame me?
Eventually, that relationship ended amicably. As break-ups go, it was pretty healthy. My coping mechanisms initially were admittedly less so (think a string of tipsy one-night-stands and sleeping with one of my friends) but it was the first time I had been single as an adult and at university, and I had fun doing it. All these casual hookups were with men, which wasn’t intentional – it just seemed easier to make it happen.
A year after the breakup, I was ready to start dating again. All of the restless, messy energy was out of my system, and I missed the genuine intimacy with someone that only comes with trust and time. I wasn’t necessarily looking for a serious relationship, but I was open to one if the right person came along. What I was certain about was that I was ready to act on my attraction to women. But when it came to meeting and connecting with other queer ladies in day-to-day life, I might as well have been looking for Atlantis.
Outwardly I am very straight passing, which though not an obstacle per se made it harder to signal my interest in spaces that weren’t queer. One time, at a friend’s house party, I got chatting to this beautiful girl – blonde, alternative, nose piercing, doc martens, short nails. Intense eye contact. We laughed and flirted the whole night and exchanged numbers to meet up for a drink later that week. Over espresso martinis in a chic, low-light bar, she leaned toward me and said how happy she was to make a new friend. It's a queer girl rite of passage.
Even in places that it should theoretically have been easier to meet a woman interested in dating me, it was not. Gay bars and clubs seemed to be more catered toward men, and in the city I was living in there were no spaces explicitly for queer women. It was time to try what all my straight friends were doing: the digital approach.
Dating apps take all the guesswork out of the equation. Tinder seemed as good as any, so I set up a profile and giddily watched the likes appear. There definitely seemed to be a much smaller pool of queer women than straight men, but I’d take it over nothing. A handful of these translated to lengthy chat exchanges. Finally, a girl I’d been talking to suggested I go over to hers to meet her – and her boyfriend, who she had failed to mention until then.
Lamenting this trend of straight couples using Tinder to find themselves a unicorn on my social media, someone suggested I try HER. For those like me at the time who haven’t heard of it, HER is a dating app for those under the FLINTA umbrella (Frauen – which translates to women – Lesbian, Intersex, Non-binary, Transgender, Agender). It is a dating space made for queers, by queers.
The numbers prove it: 0.01% of female users on Tinder identify as part of the LGBTQ+ community out of 7.8 million users; HER has over 4 million users, all of which are queer! Sure, users like me who are attracted to cis-men too may need to use other apps on occasion, but that’s more than a fair trade for what you get in return.
Not to be dramatic, but HER has been lifechanging. Even when it hasn’t worked out long-term, I’ve had so many lovely experiences with people that I’ve met through the app. Funnily enough, I even met one of my closest friends on HER, and it was so validating to know someone going through all the same dating struggles as me; she had also had her fair share of miscommunications.
After using the app for a while, I started talking to a woman called K. She and I clicked instantly, bonding over our mutual love of cats (cliché, I know) and old black and white films. Our first date, we spent over 48 hours together and joked that I might as well move in (another cliché – and obviously an exaggeration – but I thought it was cute).
I said I had been open at the time to a serious relationship. Well, you could say I followed through: K and I recently returned from our honeymoon in Greece (which we chose for all the cats). We never would have met if it weren’t for HER, and I am so grateful to the app for bringing us together. If you’re reading this and you aren’t sure if you should give HER a try, all I can say is go for it. There are so many connections for you waiting to be made.