‘Respectable Girls Don’t Use Dating Apps’: My Hinge Experience

By Keah Lily

Respectable girls don’t use dating apps. You’re too nice to be on a dating app. How are you on a dating app? Look at you! You don’t need to be on a dating app. Surely, I’m not the only one who has received these comments. 

Each of these fuels the notion that girls who value and respect themselves should not be on a dating app, that signing yourself up for one is a last resort and an act of desperation. Jazmin Sullivan said it best herself in the opening line of her song ‘Girl Like Me’ when she sings: 

‘Yeah, I made a profile on Tinder
Since you left me to be with her
I think that means I'm gettin' desperate’

I was that girl who believed that having to use a dating app as a woman was utter defeat; this is what many of us have been conditioned to believe. Because of this belief, I avoided the apps for years, running around in the same toxic circles, limiting my chances of meeting and encountering someone new. That is, until last year. 

In December 2019, I cut ties with the same guy that I’d been running in those toxic circles with for two years and spent a few months alone. I was okay with that. I’m one of those people who reject the idea that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. I believe that the best way to get over someone is to allow yourself the time and space to mourn that person. That way, when you do move on there’s no old cobwebs that need dusting midway through your new romance. 

Midway through April 2020, I felt well and truly over my ex and ready to move on to someone else. Of course, isolation and lockdown made that nearly impossible. I remember speaking to a friend who said, “Just try Hinge. I’ve had some jokes conversations on there.” I laughed. Surely, she wasn’t serious. Me on Hinge? I’m not that desperate yet, I thought. 

The truth was, I wasn’t desperate at all. I was only twenty-four and I just wanted some excitement in my love life. A few weeks later, I signed up to Hinge. Leading up to this, and even once I had signed up, I was required to do a lot of unlearning. Unlearning of everything I thought that I had ever known about Hinge and dating apps like it. Looking back now, my mindset back then was really just a reflection of my insecurity and immaturity. 

I’d been conditioned into believing that girls with self-respect were of too high a calibre to be caught on a dating app. But how can we be too good for a platform that facilitates the opportunity to connect and meet new people? After all, we are all social beings. Even in this ‘I can make it on my own’ era, the reality is that we all crave that social connection. We can find that connection in many of our relationships. For most of us, a portion of what we are looking for can be found in our romantic relationships. So, how are any of us really too good for a platform that facilitates that? 

Once I finally got over myself and my insecurities around online dating, I started to get active on Hinge. At first, it was a bit of a minefield. It reminded me of going onto ASOS when I have no clue what I want and sifting through loads of random outfits before finding one cute top. I soon got the hang of it. There were a lot of people on there and of course I was not going to be attracted to everyone. 

One of the downsides I found was the superficial side it brought out in me. When it comes to my love life, I have always prided myself as someone who really does go for personality. For the first time in my life, I found myself sifting through men based on how they looked externally. One night in lockdown, I spent a full flat out twenty minutes on Hinge screening guys based on their height – anything below 5’11 was a no from me. Once I put my phone down and allowed my mind to relax, I felt sick. 

That wasn’t the woman I wanted to be, deciding whether I wanted to connect with a man or not based on how tall he was. From then on, I decided that I would be matching with men with kind eyes. Men whose smiles met their eyes. That was my new criteria and method for wading through the masses on Hinge. 

Hinge served its purpose for me; it spiced up what had been one dry love life. One guy on there I got on with well. We started messaging loads and having phone calls here and there before eventually meeting up when lockdown was lifted. On our first date, he tried to impress me by booking a fancy restaurant in Mayfair. Dinner as a first date wouldn’t have been my first choice, but the conversation flowed and we found ourselves laughing all through the meal. 

Our second date was the lockdown special: a park date. We went on pedal boats around the park, then shared a bottle of wine on top of high hill, which overlooked London. We laughed and got to know each other more before heading to a niche Vietnamese Street Food restaurant. It was a good date. A very good date. We had a few more good dates before realising that we wanted different things. I wanted someone who I could experience fun days out with. He wanted someone he could settle down with. But we both agreed that we were so glad that we had matched in lockdown and shared some great experiences. 

There’s no shame in wanting to find someone, whatever it is you want that someone for. Someone to settle down with. Someone to have a fiery one-night stand with. Someone to have regular no strings attached sex with. Someone to explore and experience new things with. Someone to have fun days out with. There’s no shame in any of it. I think that once you know what you want, these apps can ultimately be empowering.