By Auburn McDonnagh

 

The first time I tried to have sex, I had a panic attack and killed the mood. The time after that, my boyfriend at the time couldn’t find my vagina. Panicking that there was something wrong with me, I ended up at a sexual health clinic. Once there, I was unable to confidently communicate what I was experiencing – truthfully, I didn’t understand what was happening.

 

Fast forward to a year later (and a new boyfriend). Once again, I was struggling with a problem that was impacting my relationship in the bedroom and asking questions that I didn’t really want answers to. Why didn’t I want answers? Honestly, I didn’t really know if I cared that much; sex wasn’t really a priority for me. 

 

Typically, it’s not until you sit back after a relationship and look at the big picture that you start to see where things weren’t quite right. Where there was control and a lack of trust. That’s the funny thing about hindsight; the more time you have to look back, the more obvious things become. It’s likely that I was struggling with vaginismus: the fear of vaginal penetration. 

 

I wasn’t happy in my relationships, or at least I wasn’t feeling safe and secure. I had sex for the first time primarily because I didn’t want to be the only virgin at university (it turns out that lots of people at university haven’t had sex). Forcing my body to be ready for something that it wasn’t resulted in sex that I really wasn’t that bothered about having. 

 

Next, I found myself being pressured into not using condoms. I swear once a guy finds out that you’re taking birth control, they plan out the best way to convince you not to use condoms. I wasn’t happy with this, but I was young and inexperienced, so I let it happen. He wasn’t very happy when our sex burned, getting angry and frustrated; I was just in pain. My fear of getting pregnant from not using a condom made sex painful. Go figure.

 

My exes didn’t seem too interested in finding other reasons for our bedroom issues. They were perfectly content to let me believe that sex wasn’t working for us because my body was flawed. Why is it that women always have to take responsibility for things that might not actually be our fault? 

 

Recently, I actually found myself in a healthy relationship. The thing is, I had come to a point in my life where I really wasn’t interested in having sex. It was just something that was a part of life that I didn’t mind partaking in, but I wasn’t actively seeking it. Again, sex just wasn’t a priority. 

 

It wasn’t until I was able to set my boundaries and that my boundaries were actually listened to and respected that I realised sex maybe wasn’t so big and scary. I understand now that I wanted to be emotionally intimate with someone before I became physically intimate with them. 

 

A lot of people don’t need or want the connection between physical and emotional intimacy, and I admire women who are able to have sex freely and that don’t feel tied to emotional connections – it’s actually something that I tried but failed at. For me, I’ve found that my emotional wellbeing is connected to my sexual wellbeing. 

 

My current relationship is the healthiest one I’ve had, both emotionally and sexually. My partner listens to me. Respects my boundaries. Not only does he love me, but he has been slowly and unknowingly teaching me to love myself. I never thought I had any interest in sex but it turns out I just wasn’t with the right partners. 

 

When we had sex for the first time, I was more ready than I had ever felt. I wasn’t pressuring myself because of a societal expectation that didn’t actually exist. I wasn’t doing it because we were a couple, and it was the next step in our relationship. We’d been dating for a while, we had amazing sexual chemistry, and it was just time. I looked at him and knew that I had never felt so secure and safe. 

 

I’m still not entirely experienced sexually; it’s something my boyfriend doesn’t mind too much. When we were first dating, I told him my sexual Yoda he would be. And that is still the way it is. 

 

Our sex life is intense – in a good way. We communicate openly and regularly about what we want. He encourages me to explore my desires in a way that I never have before, and I’m growing more confident with how I talk about sex and masturbation and with asking for what I want in the bedroom. 

 

Finally, I feel confident in my relationship. My boundaries are respected and understood. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. Healthier relationships have led to happier lifestyles, and happier lifestyles have led to the best sex I’ve ever had. My sex drive is better than I ever imagined it could be. Turns out that it wasn’t me that was the problem after all.