By Muriel Gévaudan

Greg and I have been together for almost a year and a half. We met in Scotland at university, and while I’m of German, French and Indian descent and grew up in the south-west of Germany, Greg’s family is English and German, and he was born and raised in Britain. Coming together from different nations to share a life has its challenges, but it can also be incredibly rewarding. We sat down together and had a chat about our experiences.

‘It makes me very happy, being in a binational relationship,’ Greg says right away. ‘I’ve always wanted to be in one.’ When I ask him why, he explains: ‘It’s what my parents did. I like that we have adventures in multiple places, that we bring different points of view to the table. I think, to me, it would feel quite closed-off to have all my friends and family as well as my partner be from the same place.’

It's what my parents did as well. We’re both children of multinational families; it’s one of the reasons we’re drawn to each other. Culturally, we grew up very much alike. It’s astonishing to me how similarly we were raised and socialised. I even reckon there could be a more intense cultural difference between two people from the north and the south of England, or between someone from a village in Bavaria and someone who grew up in Berlin.

Communication

One of the things I wanted to talk about is language. The main language of our relationship is English, but Greg and I have the luxury to choose from English and German. However, English is not my first language, and German is not his. ‘We live in the UK, most of our friends here speak English, it makes sense,’ says Greg. ‘But we switch languages quite naturally as soon as we are in Germany.’ He pauses for a moment. ‘I think that for you, and for most people, it’s more comfortable to speak your first language when you’re in an uncomfortable situation, isn’t it?’

It’s true. As soon as I’m not feeling quite right, I’d much rather express my discomfort in German. Which is why Greg immediately switches languages when I’m upset or stressed. I think it’s vital to learn some of your partner’s language, even if they seem to get on perfectly speaking yours. There are moments when all you want to hear is the familiar sound of the words you grew up with. ‘There are so many advantages to being bilingual, though,’ Greg adds. ‘You often express certain things in a way that native speakers would never do, and it’s quite poetic, and funny! It’s a beautiful way of speaking.’

That being said, I still get language fatigue after eighteen months. Even though English comes relatively naturally to me, I’m exhausted after a day of speaking, listening, reading and writing.

Commitment

We had to plan pretty far into the future quite early in the relationship. We had only known each other for four months when Greg started planning out his next steps after graduating, while I knew I was going to study in Scotland for another year. ‘You were looking at opportunities all over Europe, even internationally,’ I recall. ‘At one point, you were talking about a PhD in Japan that you liked the look of, that would have gone on for five years. I remember we had a conversation about it, and I had to tell you that I’m happy for you to pursue the career of your dreams, but that it would mean the end of our relationship.’ Greg nods. ‘I knew that I wanted us to be long-term, so when I actually started applying for positions, I considered your perspective in my decision-making.’ ‘So early into the relationship,’ I laugh. It worked out well: Greg found a position in the ideal field, in a location that works for both of us.

Political Barriers

Having met in post-Brexit times, we don’t have the EU to fall back on for easy permits and open borders. This fact makes living in the same place that much harder for us now that we’ve decided to stay in the UK for the foreseeable future. The bureaucratic hurdles are intimidating. And expensive. Plus, it’s a completely new political and financial system that I’m not yet familiar with. Greg says: ‘I can help you with that. The problem is really the stuff we can’t do anything about, the immigration laws, right to work, and all of that.’

I’ll have to pay a lot of money for my visa, and I can feel the pressure to make it work, get employed right after I graduate, secure my place here. Finding a job and a place to live is difficult for immigrants. More than once I have been made to feel that I’m not adequate to claim a spot here. The immigration system in the UK can feel quite hostile, and I say that as a person with the privilege of an EEA passport. I can’t imagine the trouble people from other countries have to go through.

Sharing Food

When Greg talks about how good a chip butty is, I shake my head and laugh. Nostalgic meals from our childhood vary greatly between us, but food is our love language nonetheless. We enjoy sharing our favourite dishes, comparing recipes and going out to dinner in a restaurant we haven’t tried before. ‘Not only do you like to cook, you also enjoy making me fun German things I haven’t tasted before,’ Greg says. Pfannkuchen, for example, or Haschee – a simple German dish with (veggie) mince and a gravy-like sauce. Greg on the other hand has introduced me to Marmite, and dippy eggs and soldiers.

Cooking for one another and eating together is how we connect, and how we like to spend quality time. We’ve already introduced each other to a variety of new culinary things – ranging from 10-minute comfort foods to delicate, refined dishes you can spend a whole evening preparing. ‘It’s one of our favourite things to do. And what I look forward to most in a day: lunch and dinner,’ says Greg, grinning, and I giggle.

Travel

Being away from my friends and family is the hardest part about living abroad for me. Luckily, Greg’s family in Germany lives close to mine, and we both enjoy travelling. Every time we go, we try and see as many people as we can, and to spend as much quality time as possible with our loved ones. For this type of relationship to work, you have to consider being in several different places regularly an enriching experience. If you don’t like being away often, it will not be for you. Greg agrees. ‘That’s going to be our life together, travelling around to see friends and family. Wherever it is that we’ll end up, it will always be an adventure.’

Muriel Gévaudan is a German journalist, prose writer and poet, currently studying Creative Writing (MFA) at the University of St Andrews. Her poems and stories are published in several literary magazines. You can find her on Instagram @murielgevaudan or hunched over a text in an Edinburgh library.