By Hanna Kowal 

Society is more aware of mental health than ever before, and we all generally agree that bottling up emotions harms more than it heals. This is where your friends come in. They’re meant to listen to you rant about your problems and spend time with you to help bring joy and well-being into your life. There are times, however, when a friendship shifts from mutual support to mutual struggle. The greatest strategy for avoiding this toxic situation can be summed up in one simple word: boundaries. 

Setting boundaries is something that I have struggled with in the past. This was before I learned that saying the words, “I am not comfortable speaking about this,” does not make you an inconsiderate friend – it makes you human. In this unfortunate era of my life when boundaries were a foreign concept, various experiences in an accidental trial-and-error process made me aware of my limits. 

There are some things that are commonplace (and important) to talk about with a friend, including complaining about little annoying things in your day. Get it off your chest, then off your mind. There are times when the little complaints turn into massive heartbreaks. It happens. Everybody has struggles in their life, and it is important to have a support system to rely on. There is one question people must ask themselves, though, no matter how close they are to another person: when do a friend’s problems get to be too much? 

I have discovered that I am comfortable calling helplines on my friends’ behalf. This gives me a sense of having provided productive assistance while keeping the pressure on myself to a minimum. It also prevents the distressed person from waiting on hold for a long time in an already stressful mindset. Also within my limits is setting my friend up with a counsellor. Therapists, psychologists, and counsellors are practised in dealing with a wide array of issues and have little outside connection with patients, which means that they can be objective and listen to your issues without it emotionally destroying them. 

If I’m honest, I have played therapist for multiple friends. It took a great toll on me. I thought I could handle it, but my ego was bigger than my ability back then. It felt like it was my responsibility to solve their problems, and a myriad of disastrous outcomes could have arisen from this. I could have provided poor and possibly dangerous advice, and the relationship could have become strained and one-sided. Fortunately, this didn’t happen. But I learned my lesson: I can happily be a shoulder to cry on and a bridge to more help, but any more than that is too much for my own mental health. 

I have over-extended myself in friendships before. One of my closest friends had trouble at home. With no end date in sight, she stayed with me and my parents because she had nowhere else to go. I know that she would do the same for me but putting my parents in that position induced some extreme anxiety. Without a clear-cut time limit, the situation put me under too much stress. In the end, she only stayed for about a week and a half. Not long, but long enough to make me feel quite ill the entire time. I am so very glad that I did this as it provided her with a safe place to be, but would I do it again? Maybe not. 

I have come to the realisation that it does not make me a bad person to feel that way. From this experience, I have learned that no, I cannot put my loved ones in the middle of a situation with my friends if I do not have all the information. There is too much pressure, stress, and uncertainty in it. This is a firm boundary that I have built, and I intend on keeping it going forward. 

I am very content with my friendships. This is a result of my having pressure-free, open conversations with friends about my past experiences and boundaries. Self-exploration and these conversations are the best ways to keep friendships as supportive and struggle-free as they can be. Within relationships of any kind, we need to normalise open communication. Everyone will be happier as a result.