Four Techniques to Practice When You Seem Stuck in Self-Pity: Dealing with Comparison and Jealousy to Find True Self-Worth
By Lauren Beesting
Post-graduation is an overwhelming era of your life, with no guaranteed path. Sometimes there are so many opportunities that it feels impossible to choose; other times there are so few you’re unsure where you can go. There’s no blueprint to follow and it gets lonely watching your friends and peers kickstart successful lives. It’s easy to feel left behind and discontented.
A few months after I graduated, I became debilitated by the comparison of what others were doing around me and felt like no matter what I did it wouldn’t compare to the exciting lives my friends were leading. But it wasn’t like that at first.
I graduated on a huge high. I finished university with amazing grades and a whole lot of great work in my portfolio, and I’d managed to get two job offers for a role I was eager to dive into. So just like that my career started – I got stuck into my new job.
But then came the imposter syndrome. Without the constant validation of grades, I felt the pressure was uncertain of my performance. I watched as my friends moved cities and found jobs in creative industries I’d always dreamed of working in, and watched others travel the world seeing things I never have.
Of course, I felt so happy for them. Seeing them living life to the full was great, but under the surface my ego began to taint their experiences by comparing myself to them. All my achievements became unworthy, and I fell down the slippery slope of comparison. I began to doubt my choices and whether they were setting me up for the future I wanted. I began to doubt what the future I wanted actually looked like.
I felt stuck, like I was underachieving, not doing as much as I should be. I was swept up in self-pity; it felt like I was at a standstill as I watched from the sidelines as my friends progressed, working on grand projects and creating the life they’d always dreamed of.
It’s not an uncommon headspace to be in as a human: comparison is second nature to us and not always in the best ways. The Social Comparison Theory by psychologist Leon Festinger (1954) argues that people value their own self-worth by assessing how they compare to others. Sometimes comparison can be used for good – to help boost self-image or drive motivation – but often, as Theodore Roosevelt once said, comparison can be 'the thief of joy’.
When I was at my lowest, I took a step back and realised I was wasting precious time by dwelling on the bad. I wanted to make a change. My journey hasn’t been easy, nor is it truly done, but it’s the best path I could have chosen for myself. I reached into the depths of who I am and what I want to help me stop valuing myself on other people’s achievements. I broke it down into four techniques that helped bring me back to the mindset I desired.
Grounding yourself
Reflection is the best way to begin. Note down all of your achievements – big and small – to bring yourself back to reality and allow yourself to be proud of everything that you’ve achieved so far. Stop jumping straight into new projects or new jobs without taking a look back at what all your hard work and skill have accomplished. Acknowledge it. Feel it.
Looking inward
Start to become conscious of how your achievements or projects make you feel physically. What makes your heart swell with pride? Or gives you a buzz that runs through your veins? Be mindful of what you’re doing and make choices aligned with those feelings. Being deliberate in your decision-making can help you live a life that feels exciting and full – no matter what other people are doing.
Validating and feeling
Without addressing the negative, you can’t move on. You have to feel and validate your negative thoughts and emotions in order to let them go. Treat yourself as you would a friend. Be kind, patient and allow yourself the space you need to process it. Ask yourself: what triggered that emotion? Why did it trigger you? Break it down and find the root. Putting it into perspective helps to rationalise your feelings so you can acknowledge and understand them, and then crucially let go of them.
Be open and honest
Being honest with the people in your life about how you’re feeling, and the jealousy you may have for them and others, can feel quite therapeutic. Not everyone in your life will receive such conversations with open arms, but some will. It’s a liberating experience getting it off your chest and letting them know how you feel.
There’s a high chance that this person feels jealous of you sometimes and compares their life to yours in the same way you do to them. Having these conversations breaks down the facade that we all create and helps us see the truth in one another, and that can make us a little less alone.
There isn’t a cure for comparison. You’ll still have moments of jealousy or self-doubt and they might last a minute or a month. But practising all of these mindfulness techniques can prepare you for these challenges, giving you the confidence to tackle them head-on.
You’ll get to know who you are deep down and what truly fulfils your life. You don’t need to be the best or have the most to lead a successful life. You just have to listen to your inner compass and let that guide you on your path.
Lauren Beesting is a freelance writer and digital marketer. She’s an avid believer in writing honestly, unpacking bias and societal norms to discover how we can unlearn and progress from them. She writes open commentaries on subjects ranging from feminism and sex education to digital culture and mental health.