Sexism, Patriarchy and Social Performance: Why Women Should Stop People Pleasing

By Jessica Leahy

A realisation occurred today about just how much of a passive spectator I’ve been in my own life and how much I let myself be subjected to shitty behaviour in hopes of not stepping on anyone’s toes. Why do I do this?

Conditioning is part of the answer. Women are generally conditioned from a young age to be docile and tame and to not make a fuss; to always accommodate others’ (especially men’s) wants and needs at the expense of their own, which is obviously bullshit and the doings of the deep-seated gender roles and patriarchy that still inform our society. 

Acting like this has become second nature to me. My knee-jerk reaction is to be kind to everyone, even when they’re undeserving of my kindness. It’s a performance I’m constantly putting on without even realising it, and, starting today, I’m going to put in the effort to stop unknowingly committing to an act that is detrimental to my well-being and self-respect.

A few weeks ago, a middle-aged man came to the resto-bar I work at. He was complaining about us disallowing his friend into the business because he wasn’t double-vaxxed. He was giving my co-worker and I a hard time, trying to convince us that his stupid friend should, at the very least, be allowed to sit on the terrace because it was safer (if you didn’t know, you can’t catch the virus when you’re outside).

After a somewhat lengthy and fully annoying interaction, we agreed to his conditions (it was a grace period which meant that we could be somewhat lenient with the passport mandates). Even when he got what he wanted, it didn’t stop there. This man was, undoubtedly, the rudest, most insufferable client I’ve ever had the misfortune of serving. When I’d go to his table, he’d order ten things at once in a condescending tone. I’m pretty sure he was doing that in hopes that I’d miss something, which would give him more to complain about. He obviously took issue that, in his mind, we were the ones giving him a hard time. 

There was more. I overheard him call my co-worker and me stupid. He complained about the drinks I brought him. He never said thank you. Even the way he was sitting screamed entitled prick; he had his arms behind his head and his legs sprawled on two chairs. He was an absolute nightmare of a human being.

Here’s the real kicker: I was so fucking nice to him the whole time. Every time he’d make a snarky comment, I’d just brush it off and answer him politely, in a voice that was probably a few octaves higher than my natural one. I laughed at his ‘jokes’. I made sure the service was impeccable. Sure, I was at work, which meant that I had to maintain a certain professionalism – I couldn’t call him the spawn of Satan even if I had the courage to. However, why was I so quick to go out of my way to do these things, even after this abundant display of entitlement?

I once had a friend who could be quite aggressive at times. She called me the r-word once as a ‘joke’ because I spilt the cup of coffee I had just purchased on myself. She said this right in front of the barista, clear as day. I was highly uncomfortable with her use of the word (which, if you use this day, you need to re-evaluate yourself). However, I didn’t speak up for myself in the moment, though I knew I should say something, nor did I after the fact. I basically just buried her comment under the rug, my fear of confrontation getting the best of me. I let stuff like this fly a lot, only to have it affect me in the long run.

I’m tired. Whether it’s a stranger, someone I’m acquainted with or even someone I’m close to, I need to put my foot down and stop letting the fear of upsetting someone – of having someone dislike me – get in the way of my values and self-worth. I’m done being too soft-spoken, too docile. No longer will I filter or alter myself to feel accepted. It’s a survival tactic I’ve adopted for a while to endure uncomfortable social situations, but I don’t think I want to do it anymore. What if I was just my unabashed self? What then?

Seriously, if someone doesn’t like you, chances are you’re doing something right. I want to be more consistent with my values. I don’t want to make myself small for others, and I will take up the space in the room that rightfully belongs to me. I want to be bolder, braver. A version of myself that is unafraid of a little confrontation, of a little criticism. I want to be a better feminist, a better person. I want to feel empowered. I think it’s well within the realm of possibilities.