‘The Problem Starts When Children Are Three Years Old’: Sexual Abuse, The Education System, and Me
By Mary Mcaleese
It all started when I was 18…
But did it?
We all remember the #MeToo movement and the tragic murder of Sarah Everard. Violence against women is still happening all over the world. After Sarah Everard, everyone understood what had to be done. Stop teaching your girls to defend themselves; start teaching your boys not to rape.
I’m 24 now. It’s been six years since my own trauma. It’s impacted my life, especially my relationships and sleep pattern, for a long time now. It gets a little better year by year. I’ve used my trauma to fuel the fire in many aspects of my life, though mainly my job.
I work as a teacher for a pre-school where there are already signs of hegemonic social normalities. A teacher asks a little boy to be a ‘big strong helper’. They suggest to a little girl, ‘shall we get the sparkly pens out?’. The truth is, this is where the problem starts. Recently, I came to the realisation that I’m in the position to change it, for a certain few.
I’m diving deep into the research world of feminism. I’m picking up some amazing tricks for how to eliminate hegemonic social normalities in early school life and sharing inspiring words with the children that I teach. But more so than that, if I hear a child say, “You can’t play because you’re a boy!” I know that it’s time to sit with that child and explain to them the damage they might be causing with their words.
There is a theory, constructed by an educator named Kohlberg (1966), that suggests children have three stages of gender development as they age from 0 to 6 years. During the middle stage, called ‘Gender Stability’ (3-4 years), children understand what gender is but are not so good at associating gender with other people or even themselves. For example, if Daddy grows his hair long or wears a dress, he’s a girl. If Daddy goes to play football, he’s a boy. These basic understandings of gender are actually built and taught around stereotypes.
How great would it be if the Department for Education put in place a non-binary statutory method for dealing with the gender development of all children in Nursery and Primary school? When a child has asked me before, “Are you a boy or a girl?” I’ve often answered, “What do you think?” or better, “Why is it that you care?”. It’s fun to watch their faces. If they learn from as young as three that ‘being’ or ‘doing’ gender is not an important part of who you turn out to be, then maybe we can raise a generation of happier people. Just people. The only item related to gender in any form within the Statutory Guidance for Early Years Education is that teachers must follow the Equity Act 2013. A little more help would be nice.
My vision is that people are raised as people, with an equal understanding of one another. Then there will be far more mutual respect in the world. In theory, having mutual respect between the sexes and eliminating this divide between macho boys and sparkly girls will begin to decrease the horrific statistics surrounding male-dominated areas of abuse.
If there is more mutual respect in schools, then maybe your son might not be heckled for wearing a pink bowtie to class. If wearing what you want and being who you want has always been the way everyone has known, then issues around gender like toxic masculinity and hyper-femininity will begin to fade.
The problem starts when children are three years old. So, this is where to start the fight toward changing hearts and minds about gender norms – and that’s exactly what I plan to do.