We Deserve Better: What We Aren’t Taught About Sex and Consent

By Charlie Kendrick

*CW – Sexual Assault*

We all know that sexual assault and rape happens. It’s a part of our world, a part of womanhood. We hear stories. We hear whispers. We see it in the news. It’s sifted through the media we consume, sometimes used as a dramatic plotline to bring conflict to a character. From a young age, we’re made aware of stranger danger and to not trust men lurking in the dark. But what about the men we know and trust? 

Becoming aware of this ugly side of life, we start to arm ourselves with pepper spray, rape alarms and keys gripped between our fingers. We cover our drinks and travel in groups. We don’t wear headphones on a jog. We keep our heads down – or make a point to keep them held high. We scream for each other, for equal pay, to not be groped or leered at or judged for our clothing or sexuality. Whether we smile, shout or sit in silence, our behaviour is often what is blamed for actions enacted against us without our consent. 

When we hear the word rape, we imagine something violent or bloody; a broken body that has been beaten black and blue, which is sometimes true. We picture someone fighting within an inch of their life shouting the word no. But no comes in many forms. According to the exceptional women at SAFE Place in Liverpool – a crisis centre for victims of all genders to go to – most cases leave no evidence of injury. Most cases are like mine. 

Mine was quiet. It was muffled and limp, with little memory to put the pieces of myself back together with. There was no fight, not even fear, just drowsy and drunken flashbacks that made me tremble and stare into space the next morning. I searched my body for bruises and pinpricks since injections are the new fashion for the spiking community in Liverpool and across the UK. But there were no marks, just chapped lips and my period stained on my sore thighs.

When we think of a rapist, we see a monster lurking in the woods or down dark alleys dressed in a trench coat. But he is just a man. He looks just the same as our friends, fathers, uncles, brothers, co-workers and partners.

Like up to 86% of other rape cases, mine was someone I know. He was my friend – someone I trusted. I can’t help but wonder if he even knows what he has done. 

As children, we are not taught what boundaries are. We are not taught the weight of the word no in certain personal and social contexts. We are not taught the many forms it comes in. 

It was not until I watched Michaela Coel’s I May Destroy You that I learnt that removing a condom without the other person knowing is rape under UK law. We were not taught that you do not have to scream and fight for it to be considered rape. Sometimes your body freezes, which does not make you weak. It makes you human. Like other animals in the kingdom, we have fight, flight and freeze. 

We were not taught that we deserve respect regardless of what we wear or drink or how we spend our free time. Instead, we were told to dress and behave appropriately for fear of asking for it. We were not taught that it’s okay to change our minds at the last moment. We don’t owe our bodies to anyone, not even our partner. Being pressured, manipulated or guilt-tripped into sex is not consent.

We were told that we might get spiked if we left our drinks alone. We were told that having sex while blackout drunk is funny, rather than being taught that good sex is about communication, therefore if someone’s capacity to consent is limited due to alcohol or drugs, legally, they cannot give consent.

There are many lessons I wish I hadn’t had to learn through my own and other women’s experiences.

I am calling all men to listen to our words and experiences. To teach yourselves and each other how to treat women and the world of sex with respect and compassion. Educate yourselves on consent and what it means – save yourself from becoming a predator. Having a daughter should not be the reason for your awakening. 

I am a woman. You came from a woman, and you will build your lives with or surrounded by women. We are more than your sexual endeavours or an opportunity to pounce upon. We are powerful. We deserve better.

Help in the UK:

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/about-us/

Help in Liverpool:

https://www.rasamerseyside.org/