Am I Conflating Comfort with Happiness? Why It’s Time to Question Our Romantic Relationships and Learn to Value All Love Equally
By Lauren Bulla
Ending up with someone who doesn’t exactly set your soul on fire has been determined to be an okay thing – nay, the expectation – when it comes to romantic relationships. How unrealistic of me to expect to build a connection with someone; that dating my partner should excite me most of the time.
This is not to say that it’s unrealistic to vie for continuous unfailing excitement, but let’s face it – parts of this life WILL inevitably be mundane. I am not against monogamy by any means, but we need to challenge the idea that being comfortable while in a connection that doesn't suit you is better than being single or cutting ties with friends in search for new relationships or a deeper sense of self.
bell hooks’ book, All About Love, completely changed my life when I first came across it as a 20-year-old in my undergraduate course. What struck me is the notion that not all interpersonal connections are treated as if they matter in differently important ways. Many of us inevitably lose out on robust friendships as we’ve been taught that nothing is more important than a romantic partner. hooks states, ‘often we take friendships for granted even when they are the interactions where we experience mutual pleasure’ adding, ‘we place them in a secondary position, especially in relation to romantic bonds.’
By limiting our avenues of connection in such an arbitrary way, we are preventing our ability to grow in new and more substantial ways in our personal lives and in our steps to developing a truer sense of happiness. hooks claims, ‘the more genuine our romantic loves the more we do not feel called upon to weaken or sever ties with friends in order to strengthen ties with romantic partners’.
Many of us have been force-fed the idea that things inevitably get comfortable in relationships – that’s just a fact of life. But I don’t think I’ve once felt like my friendships have settled into some sense of mundane comfort that many of our romantic relationships inevitably do. I have never once looked at my friends and thought, damn this person is boring … and stayed around for the longer term.
Friendships that eventually fail to meet either person's needs either separate off into different parts of our lives or trail off, making way for new connections. Why aren't romantic relationships treated in a similar way? A big part of this has to do with a fixation on the heteronormative nuclear family. Often a fear-based model that tells us time is running out and that we MUST hang onto the connections that may provide us the opportunity to have a child, start a family, get married. This sense of lack is just not real – at least not in the way we’ve been taught it is.
Cassie Mogilner did an interesting study that explored the idea that there are multiple variations of happiness. It splits into two categories – one being a heavier focus on the feelings of excitement people associate with happiness and one being feelings of calmness. Mogilner’s study found that ‘emotions, such as happiness, can have a powerful influence on choice. Indeed, a vast literature shows that being in a positive mood affects individuals cognitive processing, which can influence the types of choices they make’.
This study was specifically in reference to consumer purchasing decision making, but I find it interesting to consider in reference to romantic relationships. If we are comfortable but unhappy, we may feel less inclined to seek alternative versions of the relationships we currently reside within. A lack of happiness relegates us to being more inclined to accept things as they are rather than seeking something that may be harder to conceptualise because it is external from our current situation.
Another study by Robert Biswas Diener reviewing concepts of subjective happiness uncovered that over time, science has been able to determine a generalised understanding of what happiness actually looks and feels like. At the basis of this research, it was discovered that ‘comparisons of the happiest and least happy people show that the dimension in which the happiest people are similar is having high-quality friendships, family support or romantic relationships.’
I want to pay special attention to the OR in this quote. It was discovered that ‘the happiest folks all had strong social attachments,’ not exclusively romantic relationships. This is another potential angle to consider. Part of the reason we may not be experiencing a more vastly expanding series of interpersonal connections could come down to the hindering nature of one’s romantic pairing.
hooks also discusses the notion of cathexis, which before this book was an entirely new concept to me. Cathexis is defined by Oxford Languages as ‘the concentration of mental energy on one particular person, idea, or object (especially to an unhealthy degree).’ Many of us can relate to this: you become so excited about the concept of someone, and so fixated on a specific outcome with them, that all red flags or other considerations of the value they may or may not be able to influence onto your life go out the window.
We want this connection that feels so exciting, new and profound to tick all of the boxes so that it fits an often-unfounded narrative. Once that enthusiasm wears off and more of the truer characteristics of you and that person come to the surface, we don’t understand where the initial feelings of love and happiness we thought we were experiencing have gone. That is cathexis, and often our other types of interpersonal connections suffer in the sweeping emotions of a new romantic love.
What is more alarming is when this realisation never comes, and we settle into something that is solely comfortable because the idea of leaving and starting new is so scary that we forgo the chance for real happiness and connection beyond what we may currently know. hooks brings us the idea of a ‘love ethic’ and discusses that it allows us to understand that ‘there is no special love exclusively reserved for romantic partners.’ A love ethic prompts us to value all of our connections in the same way. The nature of our relationships is the only thing that’s different; the love is the same.
Interpersonal connection is necessary to lead a happy life. Robust and varying connections with people who have a positive impact on our lives will be the way we are able to uncover truer senses of self, more tangible degrees of happiness, and a better sense of independence and autonomy over the trajectory of our livelihoods.
Until we are ready to face the mirror and ask ‘am I conflating comfort with happiness?’ there is a chance that the fear of the unknown will never be understood. That the lost opportunity of self-discovery as we remain comfortable yet unfulfilled will become a document in the cabinet of chances we never took and forever haunt us. Ask yourself this question; be honest with your answer.