‘Exoticised and Fetishised’: Navigating Dating Apps as a Black Woman

By Jay Ndlovu

OkCupid’s co-founder, Christian Rudder, discovered back in the late 2000s that black women are voted ‘least attractive than other women of other races and ethnicities’ by most male users on that particular dating site. This isn’t just true of OkCupid, though. Statistically, the least desirable candidates on mainstream dating apps are black women and Asian men. Which isn’t great news for me.

Most daters on mainstream sites are white, and living in a predominately white country/state doesn’t help a young black belle like me. Statistics also state that most of those white men are looking to date someone who ‘shares their racial background’, meaning they aren’t looking at black women. To get any response at all, black women have to reach out roughly 1.5 times the amount of any other group — and they are still the group that’s the least responded to. Nobody likes getting ghosted, but the racism in it adds an extra layer of hurt.

Dating apps are meant to be the ‘agent’ in matching two people who are ‘looking for the same things’. Some people have advised me to pay the monthly fee so that the algorithm can put me on a higher scale, which also lets the person know that I’m serious about seeking a romantic partner.

Lately, it really feels like a cesspool of people who are there for hookups. Or, people sell the idea that they are looking for a romantic relationship, however they seem keen for the foundation of it to be based on sex. Which is ridiculous. I’m tired of hookup culture, it’s overrated, and men are avoiding being held accountable for their actions. Hands up if you’re tired of a guy not texting you back for days, only because you two aren’t exclusive.

I have been exoticised by white males. I am simply a fetish; they are more interested in dating my skin colour or a stereotype than getting to know me as a unique and interesting individual with my own thoughts, feelings and opinions.

Need proof? Here are some common things I’ve heard in the dating trenches. ‘I’ve been looking for a black girl.’ ‘I don’t date white girls.’ ‘I really like black girls; you guys are fun/wild.’ ‘I want you to know that I support the BLM movement and want you to know that I’m here.’ ‘Grand rising queen *insert black queen emoji*.’ Please, no.

According to HuffPost, Rudder did another more recent study and the bias pretty much remained the same. Evidently, not a lot has changed. Rudder highlights that while having a preferred type is not racist in and of itself, there is a cause for pause and reflection when certain racial groups face systematic disadvantages.

Systematic racism and white supremacy have played a huge role in labelling black women as ‘undesirable’. There’s a difference between preference and discrimination, which are vast but also intertwine when it comes to dating apps.

The dating world for black women is often bleak and unwelcoming. Behind the screen and in real life, we are navigating a dating world filled with microaggressions, colourism and outright racism. Oftentimes black women put themselves out there on apps that specifically want them to message first and sometimes receive nothing in return.

Most of the time, women resort to the bare minimum because that’s all there is. Dating apps aren’t designed to work because they present you with myriad options. People aren’t prone to actually invest in one person when they have so much choice.

You start to question yourself: am I not conventionally attractive? Do they think I’m too dark? Is it because I don’t have a big ass? Is it because I’m not traditionally feminine?

Some dating apps have made it easier for women to select a partner based on race, age, height, education, exclusive dating, or whether they are looking for something casual or a FWB type situation. This refined selection process exists in the hopes that it will make finding someone with the same qualities easier for the user; they make it easier to weed out all the people who aren’t interested in the same things as you.

Don’t worry ladies, there is hope. Over recent years, apps like BLK, Black Cupid, SoulSwipe, MELD, Just Black Singles and Black People Meet were created. These apps are dedicated to allowing black singles to form a community, and some for black professionals to connect. Most of these apps are available in the US, Canada, South Africa, Germany, Norway and the UK.

It’s tough out there in the dating arena for a black woman, but you will meet your person.