‘In an Abusive Relationship Your Partner is Your Happiness and Your Biggest Fear’: Overcoming Love-bombing and Gaslighting to Leave Toxic Situations
By Lucia Ida Travaglio
On 18th November 2023, the body of 22-year-old Giulia Cecchettin was found, bringing the number of victims of femicide in Italy up to over 100 in 2023 alone. It didn’t take long before police realised that her ex was involved. The story is always the same: he couldn’t accept their time together had ended; he couldn’t accept she could go on and live a happy and successful life without him. This is what abusive and controlling partners do. They tell you they love you and that they can’t bear the thought of losing you. You think it’s so romantic, but you don’t realise the danger those words are hiding.
Giulia wanted to disappear from his life but he kept telling her how depressed he was and how he wished he could die and so, she never did leave him for good. Maybe for this reason, Giulia’s murder touched me more than others. I had been told I was so loved by my ex that I was vital for his wellbeing. I had been told that I was the only reason he kept waking up in the morning.
I didn’t leave his side, even when confronted with the biggest red flag of all: his domestic abuse charges. If anything, I was so blinded and confused by his showers of love that I felt like I needed to protect him from what those women were accusing him of. It took me a long time to admit to myself that I had been emotionally abused and to understand that I could have been another victim of toxic love if circumstances and an ocean hadn’t come between us.
Overcommunicating his feelings for me, excessive and unexpected gifts, making promises about a beach house filled with children and a dog were all ingredients for a poisonous love. I had been manipulated from the beginning so that he could have my trust and make sure our connection and bond were so deep that I wouldn’t abandon him when he needed me the most. He love-bombed me and gaslighted me so much that at some point I couldn’t recognise my dreams anymore and I was ready to leave them all behind.
According to relationship counsellors and therapists, love bombing is a tactic used to lower someone’s natural inhibition and gain their trust. Once the victim’s trust is ensured, the love bomber withdraws all those positive reinforcements, leaving them wondering what they’ve done to make it stop. Hungry for more attention, the victim will work harder to earn back the abuser’s favour, blaming themselves and acknowledging their guilt. How many times had I felt like my days were slipping away while I waited for a text? How many times had the constant messaging stopped, leaving me wondering if I had done something to deserve the silence?
When a glimmer of light would pierce the fog, I remember resenting him for making me feel lost and angry. But soon that feeling of guilt would resurface, an insidious and relentless fear that he could have done something to himself would oppress my chest and so the cycle would resume. Many, like Giulia, tried to break up with their partner but the guilt and the control he exercised over them were too strong that they could never really let go.
In an abusive relationship, your partner is the source of happiness but also your biggest fear. You’re constantly scared of their reaction; you walk on eggshells because you don’t want to upset them or seem ungrateful for what they do for you. I remember being scared of asking the wrong question and feeling responsible for his emotions. I felt like I could never speak my mind. I rearranged my days to accommodate him. Even when he was miles and miles away from me, it still felt like he was controlling me.
I didn’t know at the time that abusive partners feel like they are entitled to get something in return for giving out their ‘love’. My ex would remind me how much he had done for us, how he was staying strong for me and our future. He always managed to make me feel guilty for having fun without him, for having a loving family, for being lucky when he had never had something good happen to him in his life. The abuser manipulates the victim into thinking twice before rebelling, making up excuses for his behaviour: he had a troubled childhood, he is trying his best, I must’ve said or done something wrong, he cares so much that’s why he gets mad, losing control happens to everyone.
When I met my ex, I had no idea I was jumping headfirst into a toxic, abusive relationship. Like many women before me, I thought I had found my one true love. Yes, his past was rough, yes he was suffering from PTSD from being in the army, yes he seemed to be suffering from depression at times, but he loved me and there was nothing more important than that to me.
When did I start to open my eyes and see things for what they actually were? I’m still not able to say. Anger and disappointment took over me and being so far away from each other allowed me to feel strong enough to take a step back and see the bigger picture. At first, being the perfect gaslighter he was, he tried to make me feel bad, to make me question myself. When he realised that I was fighting back, he shut me out, probably thinking I would crawl back, asking for forgiveness. But I didn’t.
He cut me out of his life completely, without an explanation. Despite being scared of what my life without him would look like, despite the heartbreak, I finally felt free. I now understand how lucky I have been, and I will live honouring my freedom for Giulia, for all those women who haven’t been this lucky and for those who are still fighting.