Monogamish: Practicing Ethical Non-Monogamy as a Black Pansexual Woman
By Cassia Clarke
Who am I? A pansexual black woman practicing ‘monogamish’ with her black bisexual, trans woman partner. I know, it’s a mouthful.
The term ‘monogamish’ is said to be coined by sex and relationships columnist Dan Savage on his Savage Lovecast podcast. This relationship type is halfway between a romantically and sexually monogamous relationship, and the full-blown open relationship, though the definition of 'monogamish' will vary with every person and couple. Personally, I define it as retaining most of what a traditional relationship entails (that’s the ‘monogam’) while allowing for the door to said relationship to remain ajar for possible exploration, outside the man-made normative (this is the ‘ish’). It is a split that almost favours monogamy.
As a child (and even a little to this day), I dreamt in the binary. In these dreams I settled down with a beautiful man, popped out the most beautiful babies, and had the most beautiful relationship. However, reality will always triumph over fantasy. In my reality, I cannot remain faithful to the confines of monogamy. Any link I had to monogamy in my dating life became null and void thanks to straight men – I am a person who desires choice because in past situation/relationships, that choice was seized from me with malice.
Following my failure to express this desire to my partner, I decided to write an essay titled ‘Monogamish Over Monogamy’. Being in a position of uncertainty and unawareness of my partner’s desires in full made the angst around this inevitable conversation more worrying. I sat with the essay for days while an ongoing mental battle ensued. Before giving the essay to my partner I said, ‘I want to show you something, but I don’t want you to hate me’, which understandably confused her. While she read, I washed the dishes. With a smile on her face, she complimented my writing and then proceeded to be totally okay. Okay?! I had prepared for the opposite reaction. Her peaceful and accepting reaction scared me.
I found 'Monogamish' as a relationship pathway by simply googling, halfway between exclusive and an open relationship. The web pages of Glamour and Metro detailed it out perfectly. During the research and discussion phase, the question of the difference between monogamish and polyamory emerged. Polyamory is defined as the practice of and desire for intimate relationships with multiple partners at one given time, with consent shared across the board. Monogamish refers to relationships that are romantically monogamous but allow for scattered outside sexual relationships that are agreed upon by the primary parties. Whereas polyamory practitioners can form these intimate, romantic and/or sexual connections, monogamish does not cater to that. Monogamish is more physical than emotional, and this practice tends to happen when a partner is absent. Either way, both polyamory and monogamish exist under the umbrella of ethical non-monogamy.
For a brief period, being asked about my possible dalliances outside of my relationship incited doubt and contradiction in my intentions. From the very beginning, it has been about maintaining autonomy over my body, my happiness, and comfort within a relationship. Being in a safe space where I can express my wavering desires of having external relations without being accused of unfaithfulness has been enough.
I previously said that my partner’s reaction to my desires scared me. In the months after agreeing to be open, my partner and I have engaged in multiple conversations, with some validating that fear. If anything, this part of our relationship almost caused a rift. You’re probably wondering, why stay open? Neither of us caters to the traditionalist relationship type and in our most recent conversation, we have reached a resolution. It is a compromise that requires a re-examining and a reframing of our perspective that has been heavily influenced by our schooling and religious upbringings – performing monogamy was never a choice; it was an expectation.
Monogamish offers freedoms that monogamy doesn’t; whether we exercise these freedoms is another thing. In avoidance of tiptoeing the line between ethical non-monogamy and infidelity, boundaries have been established that are in accordance with both mine and my partner’s beliefs and desires. Monogamy is an unrealistic human expectation that has been debunked for its supposed universal importance for society to thrive. If honesty, communication, comprehension, and respect are well maintained, monogamish is as practical as monogamy – or even more so.