The Myth of Virginity and its Reality as a Social Construct

By Emma Lynas

There is too much pressure put on the idea of virginity. The pressure to lose it or keep it, for everyone, is unavoidable. It is seen as such a big deal, a major life event. But why? Sex is a normal and natural part of life – there shouldn’t be this immense pressure put on young people over what they should do with their virginities. It’s normal to have sex when you’re sixteen; it’s normal to wait until you’re in your twenties or older. People are allowed to make their own decisions regarding their own bodies.

When you’re young, you’re told not to rush into sex, to wait for someone who truly cares about you and to make sure you’re definitely ready. Apparently, as girls in heterosexual relationships, giving your virginity away is something you can only do once, then it’s gone forever – you’ll have nothing left to offer any other man.

Some of that, I agree with. Some of it is complete bullshit. I do believe that you shouldn’t rush into sex, especially when you’re young, because you shouldn’t feel pressured to do something that you don’t feel ready for. But people tell you that you’ll remember the first time you do it, along with the person you do it with, forever. They say that the person will always have a special place in your heart and that you’ll always have a connection with them. I call bullshit.

I had sex for the first time when I was seventeen. It was with someone that I had been dating for a couple of months. Then we broke up a week later because I found out that he was cheating on me. When people ask me about him, I tell them the truth: I could not give a shit about him now.

At the time, I thought I loved him and that he loved me. Oh, the naivety of a seventeen-year-old with her first boyfriend. When we had sex, I felt safe and comfortable and happy. Exactly as you should when you have sex for the first time. And every time after.

I don’t regret having sex with him. It was just sex. I don’t believe that I should have waited for another guy, one who would have treated me better. At the time, I felt ready to have sex, so I did. What came afterwards is unrelated. That is how it should be; you make a decision, one that feels right for you, and you stick with it, no matter the consequences. Why? Because he would have had the same overall impact on my life had he been the first guy I had slept with or the twentieth.

When speaking to my friends about their own experiences, they have luckily never felt any form of pressure to have sex from partners that they were seeing or any of their friends. They saw sex as a big thing in the media, but that seemed distant and unrelated from the experiences they would have themselves.

None of them regrets their first sexual experiences. One of them wanted to wait until she was in a relationship with someone she loved, and she did. They aren’t together anymore, but she wouldn’t take any part of that back. Although, she did feel a general pressure to have lost her virginity by the time she was eighteen. She isn’t sure where that came from. Was it a subconscious message from society? One can only wonder. Another wanted to be with someone she trusted, but she wasn’t bothered about love. Their relationship didn’t work out either. She has no regrets.

In heterosexual relationships in our society, it seems that women are the only ones who give away their virginity. The act is associated with images from nature, like flowers and cherries. Female virginity is transformed into a beautiful gift that is given to a man. Is that because the image of having sex is so distasteful that it must be masked with feminine metaphors? I don’t think anyone who enjoys sex has a problem with its imagery, so we may as well call an end to this bullshit.

The main myth of virginity is placed on women. It’s often seen as a less significant event for boys. It’s seen as a big deal in a different way for them, partly due to toxic masculinity and the pressure to have sex at as young an age as possible so that they can become a ‘real man’. Sex does not make you a real man. Or woman. It might make you feel more grown up, but at the end of the day, it is just another part of most people’s lives. Sex is simply a natural activity, something that we all get to enjoy if we choose. No more, no less.