‘You Shouldn’t Have to Hide Yourself Behind Someone Else’s Idea of Love’: A Personal Experience of Leaving a Toxic Relationship

By Esther Gonzales 

It’s never easy leaving the cage that a toxic partner traps you in. It wasn’t easy for me. It took months for me to find the courage to leave and to realise that I needed to fight for myself with any ounce of energy I had left. Not that I had a lot of energy to begin with; depression has a way of draining you. Adding a toxic relationship on top of depression does not make the equation any better. So, how did I become trapped, and how did I escape? 

I was in an emotionally vulnerable place. My dad had just moved out of our house, and that was hard for me – it was like losing a best friend. My heart was shattered. I looked for someone to listen to me, to hear my pain. And that’s exactly what my partner did. I think, at first, I felt validated. But everything happened so fast. We would talk and spend time together, and then the next thing I know, he tells me I’m his girlfriend. It was a command, not a question.

Looking back, every part of me should have said, “No, I can’t be in a relationship right now.” But we had formed an emotional connection, and I was afraid to lose that. I didn’t realise until later that I was trying to fill the void that my dad had left. 

In the beginning, everyone had their doubts and voiced their concerns. I couldn’t see the red flags: I was blinded by his words. He had a way with words. He was so good at telling you exactly what you needed to hear. Soon, it seemed as if my life was filled with things from him. These were things that, as a college student, I would never be able to repay, like a brand-new phone that I tried refusing. He wouldn’t accept my refusal. 

As he began trying to push me away from my family, I should have known that something about the situation wasn’t right. But I found myself isolated, cut off from everyone that I once loved. I dropped off social media, and I distanced myself from family. I even cut myself off from certain friends until literally no one knew what I was going through, leaving me completely alone.

At the time, it was easy to blame my constant feelings of self-doubt and insecurity on the big, grey cloud of depression that constantly hung over me. I was crying myself to sleep every night. My head always felt like it was being slammed against a brick wall. I frequently had panic attacks and nightmares. 

Words have always meant so much to me and had so much power over me. I was labelled “sensitive”, and although I’ve come a long way, verbal abuse can really break you down. This breaking down is not always something that you notice at first. There were always comments from my partner comparing me to other girls. He would create fake fights and arguments just to see how I would react, saying, “your body looks better when you don’t eat.” Always hiding his words and gaslighting me after by saying that it was sarcasm. 

But it all wore me down. My thoughts were on a spiral of self-doubt. I questioned who I was; I felt so lost. He tried to change me, and I caved in. My wardrobe was replaced with darker colours, all so he could feel good about himself when he got comments and compliments about me. I didn’t have a voice. He constantly talked over me, talked for me, and told me that what I was thinking was wrong. He held my past against me.

I think the breaking point for me was when I tried to have an honest conversation about how our relationship had become unhealthy. He would acknowledge it some days but refuse to hear it others. He wouldn’t accept my wanting to leave the relationship, trying his best to guilt-trip me into staying, which worked for a few weeks. He found ways to blame me or excuses for why I was trying to leave. Of course, none of them were the real reason. 

Once I was free, my emotions were overwhelming. Hurt, anger, sadness, confusion, relief. The emotions came in waves, but I knew I could finally be who I wanted to be without being suffocated. I found my way back to doing the things that I loved – teaching, writing – and I focused all my energy on myself. 

I decided to make goals and work towards achieving them. It felt so good to know that I did it on my own without someone pressuring me, manipulating me, or controlling me. These were my decisions and my achievements now. One of the first things that I did was get a new phone. I didn’t want everything I had to be from him, and I decluttered everything I had that reminded me of the past. 

Mentally and emotionally, this entire one-and-a-half-year relationship was like one of those rollercoasters your friend drags you on. Your stomach is doing flips the whole time. You’re sitting at the top, anticipating the drop, when suddenly you’re flying full speed downhill. And you’re too afraid to say anything, so you grab on for dear life, shut your eyes, and hope that the dreadful rollercoaster ride will be over soon. 

The important thing for me was having people in my life who loved me enough to say that something didn’t feel right with my partner and our relationship. And even if I pushed them away at some point, they were there when I needed them most. It took me a while to realise that what they were saying was true – but I did realise.

The relationship was toxic, and I am so thankful that I was able to escape it when I did. Looking back, I can see how it weighed me down and made me a completely different person; someone who was lost, confused, and always questioning who I was. It took me a while to gain enough courage to talk about this experience with other people because no one knew my side of the story. I tell my story now, here, so that anyone going through the same thing can know that they are not alone. You shouldn’t have to hide yourself behind someone else’s idea of love. You deserve to know that you are worth fighting for, and that the best person to fight for you is yourself.