‘An Eating Disorder Can Look Different To Everyone’: Recovering From An Eating Disorder I Didn’t Know I Had
By Holly Souchack
Like most eighth graders, I was very confident that I knew everything I needed to know after health class. I saw pictures of chlamydia, figured out how to put a condom on a banana and – what would prove to be most influential – learned what an eating disorder was.
An eating disorder is when you stop eating at all or eat too much and then force your body to get rid of it somehow – at least, that’s all I thought it could be. I was absolutely certain I’d never come close to having one. I loved eating and hated throwing up. The problem here, if you haven’t already guessed it, is that that’s not the entire definition of an eating disorder. Not even close.
When I look back on my time in college, I remember one thing in particular: I was skinny. Really skinny. Really, really skinny. Like, a boy stopped in the middle of making out with me to tell me how skinny I was, skinny. It was all I ever wanted to be.
Growing up, I was a ‘chubby kid’. I wasn’t overweight to the point of any health concerns, but I do recall a chart a doctor showed me once. My dot was a little further away from all the other dots. I didn’t like that. So, my goal became to be skinny.
As I got older, I had my dream body. It didn’t take a lot of work either. All I had to do was eat only two full meals a day (breakfast is only coffee and a protein bar), skip dinner if I was going out drinking, take coffee black, work out every day, alternate between lifting and running, no snacking, no food in my dorm room, take the stairs, stand instead of sit because standing burns more calories, no soda only water, and that’s it. This worked well for a while. Until life happened.
Like most recent college graduates, I packed up my shit and got the hell out of my hometown. I lived on my own for the first time and focused more on socialising than anything else. So, I began bending my rules. I can eat all my three meals a day since I’m walking to the train now. I only need to work out a couple times a week because I’m so busy with all my new friends. It’s not cool to black out anymore so, I need to eat a bigger meal before drinking and then late-night Dominos afterwards – because of course.
But then the strangest thing happened; my clothes started to get tighter. And tighter. So, I bought new ones. But then those got tighter. And I became nervous. Real nervous. Eating regularly caused me to gain weight. I didn’t want that. Should I stop eating? Work out more? Skip dinner once a week? Skip lunches every day except Fridays for no reason in particular? Wait.
Stop eating.
That sounded familiar.
That sounded like an eating disorder.
I didn’t have an eating disorder, did I? That was impossible. I love eating and hate throwing up.
I am now beginning a new journey into self-love that requires so much of me. The first is recognising that what I used to do to my body was wrong. The way I treated myself was wrong. Everything I did to achieve my ‘perfect’ body was, in reality, hurting me. And for what? So that some boy who called me cute once can notice my protruding hip bones?
This sensation, this feeling, is all so new to me. Because I thought I knew. I thought I knew everything there is to know about eating disorders. Now I know that this topic isn’t black or white. These things aren’t a one-category-fits-all.
An eating disorder can look different to everyone. Depriving your body of its basic needs for whatever reason is a disorder. I’ll call it what it is because that’s what I need right now. I have a recovery process to begin. I have to now recover from the eating disorder that I didn’t even know I had.
So, what do I do now? Well, I trust that my body knows what she needs. Trust for the first time in my life that properly fueling myself will lead to the best body I can have. Trust that I am worthy of a full meal.
At one point, I thought I knew everything. Now, at thirty years old, I am very confident that I don’t know a thing. How amazing is that?
Holly Souchack is a New York City-based performer and writer. Her original solo show ‘A Hungover Confessional’ premiered in Chicago in 2018. This is her first piece of published writing and hopefully won’t be her last! You can find her on Instagram at @hollysouchack or her website Hollysouchack.com.