Lockdown & Me. Mental Health During COVID-19
By Natasha Cassidy
Every person in the UK has been affected by the COVID-19 pandemic, some more than others. For most people with mental health disorders, the uncertainty and confusion has been overwhelming. I did not believe I was one of those people until I was diagnosed with two life changing mental health conditions during lockdown.
At the beginning of lockdown in the UK, I was severely unhappy. I had massive plans to intern in the summer and travel with my friends, all of which had been cancelled. Like everyone, I just got on with it, and although life was uncertain, many positives came from having extra time to spend at home with people I love. The summer came and went and I made the decision to move back to university in Southampton. In hindsight, this was the best decision I ever made, as I have a huge support network here and find that Southampton is the place where I feel at home.
My boyfriend and I moved back into our flat and for the first few weeks we had an amazing time. I felt great and was optimistic about going back to university. Then one morning, I woke up to find the left side of my body was numb. I immediately panicked and soon I was in hospital. After three weeks of treatment and an operation, I was released home, but my physical illness was not the hospital staff’s main concern.
During the time I was in hospital, numerous psychiatrists and mental health nurses came to visit me. It was a complete blur, and I had no idea why they were visiting me, and I was so ill before my operation that I just wanted to be left alone. Looking back, it was because I had lived with my mental illnesses for so long that I felt my behaviour was normal. I had adapted and integrated them into my personality to the point that they defined me and my life. At first, I was angry; I only wanted to be treated for my physical illnesses and instead was bombarded with questions that made me feel like I was insane. This feeling was amplified, as I was in hospital during the pandemic and not allowed any visitors. Once the doctors evaluated me, I was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) and a severe anxiety disorder. I laughed.
I struggled for a period in my early teens with anxiety, but I had accomplished so much since then that I didn’t think this diagnosis was accurate. I have experienced mental illness in family members and close friends, but I never thought that I had any of the symptoms that they had. The more my illnesses were explained to me, the more it made sense. When people hear that someone has OCD or anxiety, they assume that you clean for 10 hours a day or stay locked in the house. This simply is not true; it is a misconception that is dangerous, as it stops people from understanding themselves and others. Over the last few months, I have come to grips with the diagnosis and the doctor’s explanations about the ways in which my mental health has secretly been in control of my life.
I want to give an example of what my mind goes through compared to someone who does not suffer from anxiety and OCD. Someone who does not have any mental health issues may be able to get out of bed, have breakfast, go to work, come home and have a routine that isn’t controlled or planned to the second. This process is not quite as simple for me. Firstly, my anxiety stops me from sleeping. I am writing this article at 5:50 am and I have not slept for about a day. Then, food is something that I use to cope with how anxious I feel. The more anxious I am, the more I eat, something that I have discovered is very common. I have to plan, write notes, lay out my outfit, check all the switches are turned off and photograph them. These are just a few of the things that I do on a daily basis; if I listed them all, you would be reading this for days. And all of this is before I have even left the house in the morning.
You see, to control the anxiety that I have been living with for so long, I have built up habits and compulsions, things that I must do. Some examples may seem very obvious but they do not start off like that. For some people it starts off as small things that build up over time. This is not to say that if you develop habits you are mentally ill, as it is more than a habit. For me, especially during lockdown, if I do not do certain things, I have an overwhelming irritability that can make me an unpleasant person to be around.
Lockdown has been a blessing and a curse at the same time for so many people who are struggling with mental health. I wish I could write this and say that I feel better, but I just don’t. Accepting help is an amazing and liberating feeling, but it has ultimately come down to me taking control of my own mind. I think that when I fully accept my illnesses, I will be able to recover at a quicker pace but being diagnosed is one of the first steps and not one of the last. And I do not write this stating that I am an expert, I am simply another student who has allowed her life to be consumed by a huge workload and responsibilities and has not taken time to realise that I am suffering. This is the problem, that we are consumed by so many other things that we do not realise how we are feeling and behaving.
If I can offer some advice, take the rest of this lockdown to look after yourself a bit more. We all feel so much pressure to work on our skills and improve ourselves, but why not just get to know yourself a bit better? Learn more about your friends and family. And most importantly, if you are struggling, or notice your behaviour is changing, speak to someone that you trust. You may notice that some people may not understand or are simply ignorant. Some people may see it as a sign of weakness. My mental illnesses may make life more difficult, but it also has developed my character. I am more empathetic towards others and far more understanding and I’d call that a sign of strength. Being diagnosed during lockdown has been difficult, and upsetting, but it’s a start to getting better and that is all that matters.
About The Writer
Natasha is a freelance creative in the beauty and fashion industry who works with brands to promote and create content. You can find her at www.natashamcassidy.wixsite.com/creative or @natashacassidy_ on Instagram.