‘I Felt Ashamed and Unworthy of Love’: My HPV Diagnosis and Overcoming Internalised Misogyny and STI Stigma

By Narumi Mastroscianni 

The first time that I went to the gynaecologist, I was twenty. I knew that something was off. One private gynaecological appointment and €150 later, I received an abnormal pap smear. By the time that I got my result I had moved from Italy to Switzerland, so I had to look for a gynaecologist there and get another pap smear and an HPV (Human Papillomavirus) test. 

The pap smear revealed an L-SIL cervical dysplasia and HPV positivity. I had six strains of HPV, which all could potentially lead to cancer. I basically hit the jackpot. I won the gold medal when, five months and around nine colposcopies later, my dysplasia rose to CIN-III and the cells on my cervical mouth started to turn cancerous. 

My gynaecologist was shocked: she had never experienced anyone so young developing cancer so quickly. I was also shocked. I felt like my womb had failed me. I felt incredibly disconnected from my body, in constant stress and fear of having to endure heavier procedures. I felt dirty, ashamed, and unworthy of love and happiness. 

I did not self-pleasure for a year after the diagnosis and did not let anybody touch me sexually for even longer. The trauma of receiving an STI diagnosis is incredibly taxing on the mind and body, especially for female-bodied people. We are faced with the complexity of internalised misogyny, the stigma of the ‘whore’, and the STI stigma. We are left shocked not only by the diagnosis and the physical illness but also by the different levels of society-induced lack of self-love and self-compassion. 

Having to live with and heal from HPV and cervical dysplasia requires us to face our deepest shadows, debunk belief systems, and to find in ourselves the light of self-worth and self-acceptance that we otherwise are taught to deny ourselves. 

The level of pain and shame that one experiences while figuring out the next steps is amplified by the sense of helplessness and uncertainty: the doctors, in fact, will not be able to tell you what to do. There is not much research done on how to reverse cervical dysplasia naturally, how to support your body holistically, or how to keep your mental health in check during the process. The gynaecologist will simply tell you to come back in six months for another pap smear to check if the dysplasia has been reabsorbed and the HPV has been fought off by the immune system. In my experience, if I had let six months pass by, I would have had a serious case of cervical cancer. 

In my close encounters with my ob-gyn, I have realised that finding your voice and advocating for yourself at the doctor's office is one big step towards self-healing. Ask the doctor to pass over to you all the lab finds, ask which strains of HPV you have, ask about alternatives to the LEEP procedure, ask to wait for your OK to insert the speculum or ask to insert it yourself. These are great acts of self-empowerment in a situation where usually people feel completely helpless. These are acts that push the gynaecologists to do better, to research more on the topic, to learn about new ways to fight the virus. 

Officers of allopathic medicine won´t share with you much about HPV. I wasn´t told that you could actively carry the HPV virus for decades without it developing cancer on your cervical mouth. This is very important information when it comes to deciding whether you want to get a LEEP procedure or not (the LEEP is a surgery that cuts away the stratum of precancerous cells on the cervical mouth to prevent dysplasia from turning into cancer). I wasn´t told that when you are HPV free, you are still carrying the virus deactivated in your body, but that you won't pass it on. I wasn´t told that after the LEEP you are not yet HPV free. I wasn´t told that to continue to be HPV free, you would have to have a healthy lifestyle so that the virus does not flare up again. 

You can help your body reverse HPV and dysplasia naturally. At that time of my diagnosis, I chose to undergo surgery. I still had ahead of me the journey of reversing the HPV, which I have done through taking care of my body and my spirit. I have offered support groups for people with HPV and cervical dysplasia, and I have seen it with my very own eyes: you can heal if you devote yourself to it and you believe that you deserve it. 

Understanding how your diet, mindset, and lifestyle can influence your healing journey is very important. HPV is a virus that enters and causes havoc in our bodies because our health is not optimal, and our immune system is low. Inflammation in the body prevents it from functioning properly, and foods high in histamines and animal hormones will not help it. If you regularly eat dairy, meat, and sugars, you might want to track the amount of inflammatory potential you are ingesting and adjust it to an amount that is healthy for your body. 

Eating cruciferous vegetables, such as kale, cauliflowers, and broccoli helps the body to break down excess hormones and maintain a low toxicity level. I have started intaking antiviral and immune-boosting herbs such as Turkey Tail (which has been proved to be effective in fighting HPV), calendula, St. John´s Wort, Skullcap, and Elderberry Dandelion. I recommend working with those herbs long term to maintain a healthy mind and body. 

If you are on your own journey of healing from HPV, I also highly recommend that you find or create a small support group. Community care is just as important as self-care; we are barely anybody without our community. 

While your diet and support system are beneficial, I have found that the strongest factor for successful healing is that you really believe in it. That you believe in your body´s ability to heal. That you believe that you are worthy of healing, worthy of fulfilling sexual life and romantic relationships. Envision your healed self in a heavenly state and then work towards achieving it. Your healing journey won't be linear. You will have setbacks; you will feel frustrated and lonely and you will cry many tears.

Remember in those times that healing is a marathon. It will require time. Remember also in those times that stepping up for yourself is something to be extremely proud of. It requires so much will and courage. Remember, despite whatever stigmas society dictates about STIs, the female body and sexual health, that you are always worthy of love, great sex, support, and care.