‘You Are Not Alone in What You Are Feeling’: The Trouble with Toxic Positivity

By Amy Alexander 

Since the beginning of 2020, I have learned to meditate every morning, which has aided me in understanding my own emotions and in seeing them for what they are. The act of meditation brings me the stillness that I need in a world that is so heavily concentrated on social media and technology, which can often be deceiving and make us question how we feel in our own lives.

When I first discovered the world of meditation and its ties to spirituality, I began to believe that I should only have ‘positive’ thoughts; I wanted to attract positivity into my life. But I was wrong in this belief. Meditation has taught me to be gentle but discerning with my emotions, even if they are negative. Recognising the root causes of my negative emotions led me to the concept of ‘shadow work’. 

Shadow work is heavily emphasised within the spiritual community but is often unknown to those who are new to spirituality. Shadow work is tending to the side of you that you often ignore, repress, or are not aware of; this is often your deeper, darker emotions that only your unconscious mind can feel and is aware of. It is the practice of healing and self-compassion for the parts of you that need that acknowledgement and love. There are many ways in which you can do shadow work – I would recommend reading Michelle L Geldenhuys’s A Guide to Shadow Work to help you get started if you are interested in the subject. 

The concept of ‘shadow work’ directly contrasts with the idea of ‘toxic positivity’. By definition, toxic positivity is an obsession with positive thinking. We inherently know that it is impossible to always be positive and to always think positive thoughts. Our ability to feel deeply complex emotions such as guilt, resentment, and jealousy means that we should not set ourselves or others to a high standard of thinking and being positive, especially when we are all susceptible to bouts of negative emotions at any time. 

Toxic positivity stems from the idea that if we are going through something negative, we should “focus on the positive” and “look on the bright side”. These phrases, which so many of us internalise, negate the importance of allowing ourselves to feel the negative emotion in order to work through our pain and heal in our own time. Toxic positivity immediately rips the band-aid off our wounds and forces us to see the light when we have barely arrived in the tunnel of darkness. 

Social media only fuels the concept of toxic positivity. When we go to Instagram and are faced with a perfectly curated feed of models, influencers, and celebrities, we can’t help but feel a pang of jealousy over how perfect everyone’s life is. However, not everything is picture-perfect. Celebrity life is designed to be fawned over, longed for, and is heavily marketed towards us, the consumers. We purchase that new lipstick – pristine in its free PR package. We buy that book – ghost-written by a well-experienced team. We see this perfection and want it because we wrongly think that celebrities have perfect lives, that they never feel anger, trauma, or jealousy.

Toxic positivity plagues our minds to think that way, and it is so far from reality. Everyone feels emotions, no matter their experiences in life, and certainly no matter what their Instagram profile looks like. We should not feel the urge to block away our emotions just because others on social media put up fake positive fronts. We need to be mindful that what we consume greatly influences us. If it helps, try to follow and connect with those on social media who openly talk about their emotions and those who encourage their audience to acknowledge what they themselves are feeling. Our emotions and the emotions of those around us matter. 

We have been taught to close ourselves off from feeling our emotions because of the fear of judgement, the fear of being seen. So many of us put up a façade that we are okay when we are actually hurting inside. Allow yourself to feel your emotions without any judgement, and know that it is okay to ask for assistance or guidance from loved ones and those you trust. Have compassion for yourself. Know that you are not alone in what you are feeling, that it is okay and normal to not be positive every minute of every day.