‘Sometimes Friends Grow Together and Grow Apart’: Reflecting on Adult Female Friendships

By Allie Nguyen

I was half drunk on the floor when I opened my best friend’s text messages that I should have read two days ago.

Yesterday 1AM

Can you help me with something? It’s kinda important

Today 9AM

It’s okay; I figured it out

Btw, I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately, but it feels like I can’t count on you anymore

The other night I really needed your help, but you didn’t even read my message 

You never tell me about anything and you’re in a different country

I understand that you have things going on in your life, but I can’t help but feel like I’m no longer a part of it

My best friend and I have never fought. We’ve known each other since we were in secondary school. In eleven years, she has not once used that tone with me.

At first, I felt guilty for not being there for her when she needed me. Although it didn’t seem like whatever was going on was too serious, since it’d been dealt with so quickly, it could have been urgent at the time. This guilt was balanced out by the fact that part of me was angry at her. She was making me the villain and accusing me of not being there for her while I was halfway across the world and having the most difficult week of my life. 

Heartbreaks happen every day. Life goes on. But at that point, mine felt like the worst thing in the world. Being my best friend, I thought she should have known that instead of making it about her.

But she couldn’t have known that because she didn’t even know this boy existed. I just assumed she did because every one of my new friends in my new country knew about him. But, I realised I hadn’t told my best friend anything. 

When I was in Vietnam, we’d made a deal to see each other at least once a month, no matter how busy we were. Then the pandemic hit and it extended to every couple of months. Then I moved, and the best we could manage was to promise fifteen minutes on the phone before she had to go to sleep, or I had to go to work. 

It was harder than I thought to keep a simple promise that we’d give each other weekly updates. I had things happening in my life, in this new and exciting world, while her world kept on turning with or without me. 

Suddenly, the stories she told me stopped being relatable. She didn’t know any of my new friends, just like I didn’t know hers. So of course, she was clueless about this crazy romance thing I had going on that left me crying on the floor with a bottle of wine while reading her messages.

So, was I wrong for feeling angry? 

I ended up apologising and giving her a summary of what had happened. She gave short replies. We didn’t fight, but I felt the wall between us slowly becoming more visible. 

We didn’t talk for days after that.

I sorted out my thing and tried to move on. I was at the train station when I saw the name of his town on the electric board and texted her, saying I wanted to cry. The best she could do was tell me to forget about him because she didn’t even know his name.

A few days later, she texted me.

I read your blog. I’m very sorry 

I have a blog – more like an online journal – where I rant about my dating life. I never expected her to read it because it wasn't in Vietnamese, but she had.

I thought I already knew everything about you, but I didn’t

I should have asked more about your life. I’m sorry I always made it about me and that you felt like you couldn’t share anything with me. I promise I’ll listen more if you open up more

And that was the first time I cried for someone else since that boy who broke my heart. 

Now my best friend is working on her bachelor thesis while I’m in a happy relationship with someone who appreciates me. On my birthday, she asked if we could call. I said yes, but I was staying with my boyfriend, so she said she could wait and told me to have fun.

I called her the day after. We chatted for a bit, and then she said she had a surprise for me before she proceeded to turn off the lights and bring out a cake. I blew onto the screen and she blew out the candles. We laughed and gossiped. She ate the cake she’d bought for me while I ate the one my boyfriend had made for me.

We still don’t talk every day, still don’t know every detail about each other’s lives, but that’s okay. Sometimes friends grow together and grow apart. It doesn’t change the fact that I still love her just the same. 

I’m out here making new memories, meeting new people, and having new adventures, all the while knowing she’s proud of me and that we’ll have so much to say when we finally see each other again.