‘Progress is an Irregular Path’: Chronic Fatigue and Learning to Live Life Slowly
By Ashika George
A common symptom of depression is fatigue, which is basically extreme tiredness. Fatigue manifests in a number of ways. For me, it is waking up in the morning and remaining in my sleeping position as my eyes just dart around my room. It's getting back into bed after each meal and staying glued to my laptop screen. It's struggling to even stand up and go and eat food. It's having little to no energy to even do a favourite hobby, including watching a movie or TV series.
Fatigue has been a massive obstacle in my life – as if suffering from OCD was not enough. There's so much I aspire to do before I leave this world but the symptoms of my illnesses prevent me from living the life I would like to live. As a teenager, I had ambitions about life once I turned eighteen and moved away for university: living in another city, making new friends, enjoying a newfound freedom. But it was not to be.
As I would get ready to go to my lectures, I would find myself struggling to even get up off of my chair and grab my outfit for the day. I would then get dressed only to sit back down on my bed, zoning out or becoming easily distracted by something on my phone. I just couldn't move. Alongside all of this, I could feel how weak my body was from the sore muscles and weak eyelids. It was like I was living in a paradox of experiencing fatigue even with trying to fall asleep. As I write this, I realise how absurd that sounds.
The fatigue also shows up a lot when it's time for me to engage in social activities. During my undergraduate years, I went to a total of one society meeting while I lived away for university. During lockdown, I found myself able to attend online social meetings with a lot more ease. But when I think about it, if my third year wasn't impacted by COVID-19, would I have been able to go to these societies? I probably would have found myself feeling stuck and too fatigued to get up and go.
Now as I sit and think about life after university and entering the job market, this fatigue that has plagued me so far is still persistent. Since moving back home after my post-graduate classes ended, I struggled to sit up and finish my final project. Even after I submitted it and felt relief, the emptiness grew, and I found myself stuck in bed for most of the day again.
Does all of this sound boring and repetitive? That's exactly how it feels for me. This repetitive cycle has been draining my youth one day at a time and I feel like I've missed out on a lot of my younger years already. Friends and acquaintances from school and university appear to have interesting lives; I feel like a failure. However, they may be feeling the same – social media doesn't show the whole picture of people's lives.
It's easy to equate fatigue with laziness. I used to wonder if I was just being lazy. But I know I want to get up and do things I need to do. I want to get up and do chores around the house. I want to write articles and stories. I want to take my camera and take photos while walking. I want to pick up a book and read. I want to watch all the movies on my watchlist. I don't want fatigue to serve as a barrier to this interesting life I can only dream of.
Recently, I have been trying to take my daily routine step-by-step by breaking activities down into smaller chunks. I start by sitting up in bed and then making it, tidying my duvet and pillows. Then I brush my teeth and do skincare, have breakfast, write, play games. If I feel I need to go slow, I'll go slow. Just starting is a massive sign of progress for me. I've been able to keep some habits a daily occurrence this year! As these habits solidify, they come naturally and I don't have to worry about starting them. There are days when the fatigue still kicks in hard. I'm learning to accept there are days when this will happen. Progress is an irregular path, and that's okay.