Mood Swings, Hormone Imbalances and Dangerous Dieting: My Eating Disorder Journey

By Bethany Finch

In the past, I’ve written about how my anorexia began and how it changed my point of view of myself and life. Now, I’d like to write about how my view of eating disorders – of others’ and my own – changed over time through personal growth, life lessons and, spectacularly, social media.

During my recovery from anorexia, I condemned social media as no good. It was full of bikini bodies and luxurious lifestyles demonstrated by stick women with the most desirable physiques. Despite this standard of content in the past, social media has grown quite miraculously recently by promoting more body-confident people with realistic lifestyles, diets and overall mentalities. This openness led me to stumble across a post on Instagram in which a woman was addressing how her ED impelled her to form a sense of bitterness towards her friends and family when they fell ill.

I know this sounds ludicrous but let me explain. When a person falls ill, they typically lose their appetite, and this causes their food intake to decline. For some who suffer from anorexia, friends and loved ones eating food regularly can make the convalescent feel a sense of relief and give them permission to also eat. So, when someone around them isn’t eating, well, they don’t feel these feelings anymore. They are soon replaced by anxiety and apprehension, which breed feelings of resentment and annoyance. As hostile as this sounds, this is just one of the many struggles of an ED sufferer.

One Christmas, one of my family members was unwell with a cold and lost their appetite. Christmas time is already stressful for most ED sufferers, as it is stigmatised around food and relaxation, which are two big fears for those with an eating disorder. My family member wasn’t eating much, and this led me to feel frustrated and conflicted in my own food choices. I felt ‘greedy’ for choosing to eat when someone around me wasn’t.

Often, I would wish illness upon myself so that I didn’t have the appetite to eat. As mentioned before, I would often feel bad about my thought processes around this topic and how it would make me feel toward my loved ones. Over time, as my general eating improved, these thoughts would lessen. That is until I eventually fell ill.

I recall getting food poisoning during my recovery. My eating had improved massively, but that was a setback. I had a million and one thoughts going through my mind. What about when I got my appetite back? I wasn’t going to want to eat regularly again after not eating for several days. I hadn’t exercised for days; I was going to gain weight. What if when I ate food again, I wanted to purge? These thoughts caused a massive strain on my mind and recovery.

I overcame this by incorporating distractions during mealtimes (television, books, games, etc), and for a little while this helped me to focus on other things rather than the stress of eating. After a few weeks of getting back into an eating routine, I began to eat mindfully again, removing distractions so I could focus on becoming comfortable with the fact that I had to eat, multiple times a day, every day, to function. Most importantly, I tried to enjoy and appreciate the food that I ate, as that is what food is for.

A further struggle during my anorexia was being around food in general. The look and smell of it would cause a surge of anxiety, guilt and apprehension, especially junk food and takeaways. For example, I can recall my family getting a takeaway on a few occasions and I would often lock myself away in my room to avoid the temptation to eat any. As drastic as this seems, and as it was, these were the extreme measures I would take to neglect my caloric intake.

At the most destructive point of my eating disorder, I was fourteen years old and still in school. I would use an app to track my calories, going over no more than 200 calories a day, all while maintaining a strict and regular exercise schedule to lose further weight. My foods would consist of low-fat and low-carb choices: fat-free yoghurts, salad vegetables, chicken breast, and fruits. These were weighed – even the lettuce.

Over time, this diet and lifestyle led me to extreme fatigue, muscle aches and cramps, fainting, temporary loss of vision and depression. My period didn’t come for years during my anorexia. I was the worst person in the world to be around due to extreme mood swings that were mainly down to hunger and hormone imbalance. Does it sound worth it to be a smaller number on the scale? Definitely not. 

Throughout my ED journey, I have come across many others with stories of their own, each one unique. As pessimistic as this may seem, I feel these stories are essential to one’s character. If I hadn’t had anorexia, I wouldn’t be here writing this article and sharing my story. Our stories are what make us who we are, and what make us stronger as people. So, if you or someone you know is struggling, know there are better times to come. Know that you are not alone. Start getting excited for the person you will become once you recover because they are so worth the journey.