‘Bisexuality is About Attraction, Not Action’: Embracing Authenticity and Coming Out as a Bisexual Woman Marrying a Straight Man
By Amelia Karginaite
In a world that often tries to confine individuals within predetermined boxes, the path to self-discovery and acceptance can be an emotionally charged journey. For bisexuals, embracing their true selves while in a relationship that doesn't align with societal expectations can be particularly challenging.
I came out as bisexual to my now fiancé (who is a straight man) a couple of years ago and I am grateful to say that my story is a happy one. I am lucky to be with an emotionally intelligent man who, when I told him I was bisexual, listened, validated my feelings and supported me. He didn’t fetishise my bisexuality like many do and he was willing to put in the work to learn and understand what this meant for me and our relationship.
He gave me the freedom to spread my wings and fully embrace who I am without any judgment. But it was still terrifying. Yes, I trusted this person completely, but there is always this huge fear of rejection, especially when you are already in a well-established relationship, engaged and the other person is straight. Thankfully, my fiancé is very secure in himself and therefore wasn’t threatened in any way. He knew I loved him; that wasn’t going to change because I finally realised that I’m attracted to women.
Bisexuality defies narrow definitions of sexuality and encompasses a rich spectrum of attraction to both genders. However, it is important to recognise that bisexuality is not a rigid or fixed experience. It flows along a fluid continuum, allowing individuals to explore and understand the complexities of their desires and attractions. This fluidity lays the foundation for a highly emotional journey of coming out, regardless of relationship status.
Coming to terms with your sexual orientation is an intensely personal and soul-searching process. For many bisexuals, the path to self-acceptance is paved with internal battles, emotional turmoil and profound moments of vulnerability, as well as internalised biphobia. For those who don’t know, biphobia is a prejudice against bi people. Internalised means that it’s coming from yourself, likely learnt through the media or a teacher, parent, friend etc. It can take all forms, but the most common is self-doubt.
When I came out as bi, my biggest fear was rejection. Internalised biphobia made me believe that people would think I was coming out to gain attention and that my sexuality wasn’t real because I had never been in a relationship with a woman. These feelings are completely valid and they are shared. So many people in the bi community have felt this way at one point or another on their journey to self-acceptance. It sucks. And if you are currently going through this, I am sorry you are feeling this way. Those thoughts can be strong and intrusive, as well as harmful to our self-esteem. But I promise you that those feelings go away. It gets better. Your identity is valid.
I have often thought about whether it would be ‘easier’ if I was straight, but then I asked myself: if bisexuality was normalised and accepted as much as being straight, instead of it being marginalised, would I still feel that way? On numerous occasions, I’ve been questioned on whether I have had a relationship or experiences with a woman. My answer used to be no – now it’s ‘none of your business’. If you’re a straight person, have you ever asked yourself whether the absence of any experiences with the opposite sex meant that your sexuality isn’t valid? Bisexuality is about attraction, not action.
Be gentle with yourself because it takes time to reprogram your mind from internalised biphobia. Even now, sometimes the doubts slowly creep in and I begin to question my sexuality. It is important to learn how to become aware of these thoughts by asking yourself questions like ‘Is this thought really my own or has someone else planted this weed in my brain?’.
There is a saying I believe holds true: your first thought is what society has conditioned you to think, your second thought defines who you are. A lot of people profit from internalised biphobia, just like people have profited from diet culture and exploiting women’s insecurities, which the industry created to sell women shit they don’t need. Owning your power doesn’t benefit any of these systems, so they try to condition us into believing that something is wrong with us.
For someone like me – a bi woman marrying a man – open and honest communication with my partner was the foundation of our shared journey. It is within the safe haven of mutual understanding and trust that both of us expressed our deepest fears, desires and expectations. Revealing your sexual orientation can be an intensely vulnerable moment, and it is paramount for your partner to respond with empathy, understanding and unwavering support. This process of disclosure also necessitates educating the partner about bisexuality by dismantling stereotypes and dispelling common myths.
Bisexual individuals often find themselves wrestling with unique challenges in their pursuit of societal acceptance. For bi women in particular, marrying a man carries the risk of being invalidated or erased due to our relationship status. This erasure, the assumption that our bisexuality is diminished or non-existent, can cause immense emotional confusion, leaving us feeling invisible and isolated.
Confronting these stereotypes becomes an emotional battle for visibility and advocacy. By bravely sharing personal stories, engaging in heartfelt conversations and actively participating in LGBTQ+ spaces and events, bisexual women can illuminate their experiences, educate others and foster understanding. Embracing one’s identity and living authentically, irrespective of sexuality, is something everyone should be able to do.
Amelia is a queer, feminist, multi-faceted writer. She has a degree in Journalism, and she is also a qualified yoga, meditation, mat and reformer Pilates teacher. She is an activist and a chronic illness and mental health advocate. She writes about feminism, wellness, fashion, climate change and current world events.