It’s Okay to be a Dating ‘Vicktim’: Red Flags, The Ick and Why You Should Listen to Your Instincts

By Emily Cowley-Durow

Have you ever dated someone who turns you on one moment but completely off the next? You don’t know what changed, but the seed is planted and grows up from your feet toward your neck until it begins to strangle you. Now, you can’t remember why you ever swiped right in the first place.

You, my friend, got the ick.

A unique form of disgust, the ick extinguishes all embers of attraction. It’s a moment of impact, leading you to sit on the edge of the bed in a Premier Inn and re-evaluate all the choices that led you here: three weeks deep into a situationship with someone who, as of around three seconds ago, you find genuinely repulsive. Meanwhile, this poor individual is none the wiser. Even if you told them why, they wouldn’t believe you.

They sneezed weird. They dropped their wallet. They stumbled. They wore a wig to a fancy-dress party. They ordered a German lager and mispronounced it. They got stung by a bee. They drank a glass of milk. They asked the waitress at Pizza Express what she would recommend from the menu. They sent you a text saying, ‘I am hear’. Their stomach rumbled. They did that silly little run as they crossed the road (just let the car hit you, coward!). In short, this person revealed to you something that is best kept secret during the earliest, most fragile phase of a relationship: they are human.

Knowledge of the fact that their indiscretion is normal doesn’t change anything, however. They are still a hideous creature in your eyes. There’s no coming back from the ick. If this can be triggered so easily, then how can we still look adoringly at our long-term partners as they pick their nose and eat it, walk around all day with food on their shirt, or chew with their mouths open? (No? Just me?)

The ick is calculated. It doesn’t occur at random; it swoops in just at the right time to save us from things that aren’t right for us.

To be clear, the ick is different from a red flag. The ick is a gut instinct, whereas red flags are more difficult to see while you’re still blinded by your attraction to this person. If they’re seeing other people after you agreed you were exclusive, that’s a red flag. If they only ever text you after 10 pm, that’s a red flag. If they’re still breastfeeding at the age of twenty-eight, that is a red flag. It’s important to know the difference because victims of the ick (or ‘vicktims’) are often perfectly nice people with a lot to offer someone else – it just absolutely won’t be you.

Unlike the ick, a red flag does not scare your attraction away. It can even make someone more attractive to you (thanks brain, that’s cool of you!). Red flags can be dangerous, and it’s important to address them early on because once you’ve seen one, there are usually more to follow. Even the ick can’t save you then.

If you’re still in the pursuit of love, do not despair. You have almost certainly given someone the ick in the past, and that’s okay! As long as you are still doing your best to be a nice, respectful person, you’re doing fine. Truthfully, all humans are just farty skin bags, so there’s a lot to find disgusting if you’re looking for it. If someone is grossed out by you for seemingly no reason, it’s because the relationship is already over.

My boyfriend uses a big yellow steering wheel lock every time he parks his car. He takes a chewable multivitamin every morning, and I’ve witnessed him address a group of men as ‘gents’ on more than one occasion. Just by living his life he is BEGGING for me to get the ick, but against all odds it hasn’t set in. And if it ever does, I’ll know that the relationship is ready to end anyway.

In a world where things are often unnecessarily confusing, we know we can always trust the ick.