Making Friends as a Young Woman in My Early Twenties

By Hope O'Rourke

Making friends in my early twenties has been so challenging. Honestly, some days I feel as though I’ll never make the connections that I’m hoping for, so what’s the point in trying? But then I remind myself of how proud fifteen-year-old me would be knowing that I keep putting myself out there to meet new people.

Everyone told me that I’d make friends in secondary school. I’d previously struggled throughout my adolescence to make solid friendships, mainly because I moved schools; friendships had already been forged and not many people wanted to welcome me into their groups.

Then I was told I’d meet my tribe at university; that would be where I found my people. Then we were hit by a pandemic that put everyone on edge – things weren’t quite as easy as my secondary school teachers had promised. The few friends I did make at university have spread themselves up and down the country and around the world, so they’re not exactly the most accessible. I myself have boomeranged up and down the country over the past five years, which understandably would make it somewhat difficult to make long-term friendships. That is how I’ve ended up here, trying to make new friends at the age of twenty-three.

There are now apps and social media communities dedicated to helping young women meet new people and form new friendships. It’s odd using Bumble BFF and going on ‘friend dates’ with people who are in the same position. You’d think it would be somewhat easier to go on a first date with a potential friend. Instead I’m beyond nervous, sweaty-palmed with shaking hands, worrying about whether or not they will like me. Seeking validation from a potential friend feels more stressful than when you’re on an actual first date with a potential love interest.

I’ve been on a number of ‘friend dates’ now. Although there may be awkward silences at times, things are actually not as bad as they seem. You swap stories about other failures from the app and you book in another coffee or plan to go out for food. You then meet a second or third time, but then it is radio silence (though they still follow you on Instagram and will leave you on read, making you wonder what happened). Honestly, being ghosted by a friend is worse than being ghosted by a potential romance.

I found a social media community dedicated to helping girls make friends in their twenties, and I found that most of these girls are only interested in boosting their follow count because eventually conversation dwindles and you’re sat waiting for a reply that never turns up. These rejections make you feel even more vulnerable; you can’t understand what it is that you did wrong and your insecurities are on high alert.

Now, I have been lucky with some friends and I’ve managed to build friendships, but it’s a struggle to know who will stick around. My mum has an expression: friends for a reason and friends for a season. It’s sadly true that some friends are here for the long haul and unfortunately some friends come into your life for a time and they aren’t here to stay. Sometimes, that’s okay.

Why is it so difficult to make and maintain friendships as a young woman? We’re all so busy figuring out who we are that we sometimes let people slip through the cracks as we lay the foundation for who we want to be. Life takes over. We think, ‘I’ll reply later’, but then that later never comes around. Our early twenties are a significant era for change: we are finishing university and stepping into the real world on our own for the first time, finding new jobs and carving out our own path. We are so lost in ourselves that we forget that we need other people to help us through these life changes.

I’ve always struggled to make lasting friendships because everyone else has always had other friends. I’ve been the new friend, the work friend, the other friend, but I’ve never really felt like the true friend.

So, what have I learnt from making friends in my twenties? It’s not easy but it is possible, and you can’t let the ghosts get your confidence down. Don’t try to be someone else to try and impress people. Friendships are a two-way street, and effort is necessary in order to make things work. Boundaries are important and it is vital that you establish them early on; it’s easier for boundaries to be adapted once they’ve been put in place and harder to create boundaries when a friendship has developed.

Eventually, friendships can be forged. Some are easier and take less time than others but they are all worth it. There will come a time when you’ll take stock and find that you are surrounded by friends, and you didn’t even notice.