Praise or Degradation? What Exploring My Kinks Has Taught Me About Sex and Relationships

By Auburn McDonnagh

I don’t really remember the first time I read smutty books; it was probably a poorly written fanfiction that, if I read now, I would find extremely offensive to the written word. Eventually, I moved to published books (although every now and then I do give the odd fanfiction a chance). Scenes I’ve read over the years have awakened different parts of my sexual being and allowed me to embrace desires that perhaps I was a little ashamed of.

For instance, I like to be bitten and marked – I honestly think that this stems from the romanticised and eroticised vampires I watched through my adolescence; Twilight and The Vampire Diaries were filled with sensual relationships with excessive amounts of biting. This influenced me in my early years, and it has continued to influence me in later life.

I wasn’t always so upfront about what I like in the bedroom. During my first sexual relationship, I was interested in using handcuffs. There was something (at the time) that was exhilarating about such a small level of bondage, something that made the experience just a little bit more exciting and a little bit more pleasurable. But I just didn’t have the confidence to ask for it. Safe to say, I didn’t end up using handcuffs in that relationship, and the sex was very much like that scene in The Inbetweeners. I left that relationship wondering if I actually liked sex.

Fast forward four years, and I’ve got a much longer list of things that I find exhilarating in the bedroom. Who would have thought that having to strive for academic perfection for about seven years gives you a praise kink? Or that reading toxic hate smut has you considering degradation? I’ve been hogtied (not for me; I don’t bend that way), and I’ve even had hot wax poured on me (that is for me).

BDSM has become a stress relief for me. My partner allows me to use it as a release for the anxiety and stress that builds up from everyday life. It’s a relationship dynamic that I didn’t expect to have but that I’m extremely grateful for. My relationship with my partner is far more mature and intimate than any I’ve had before, and he’s allowed me to explore and develop my desires without any shame or pressure.

If I’m honest, I don’t actually remember how our kinks came into the conversation when I first started dating my partner. In a way that makes it better: it feels more natural to think that one day it just came up and we were both comfortable with what the other person had to say. We have very open and active communication when we talk about sex. After pretty much every conversation, we sit back and tell each other how much we appreciate being able to have these conversations and how much better we feel when we do.

We’ve looked through BDSM agreements and contracts just to see where our shared kinks lie and so that we can express our hard and soft limits. There is still a lot about the BDSM world and my own kinks that I don’t understand, and I sometimes worry that I’m out of my depth. I don’t know or understand my own body very well because I never really allowed myself to feel truly sexual. Only with my current partner have I been able to shed some of the shame that I have for having sexual wants and needs. Through shedding that baggage, I’ve been able to gain more confidence in myself, my body and voicing my desires.

Last summer, I found myself on a double date attending a L.A.M event that was hosted in Brighton, walking through tables of sex toys and kink clothes. It was an interesting experience and I found myself surrounded by those in the BDSM community, some of whom had somewhat more extreme tastes than myself. Knowing that there is such a big community to support you during the exploration of your sexual interests is, I realised then, so valuable and affirming.

For those interested, there are a number of dedicated subreddits for the spectrum of BDSM: communities of subs seeking advice, guidance and sanctuary, communities for doms seeking new ways to punish brats, and countless others. There is something comforting in knowing that there is probably at least one other person out there who has the same kink as you, that someone else finds pleasure in something you may have shamed yourself for in the past.

I’ve grown to embrace my desires. It’s taken a long time for me to start shedding some of the negative feelings that I’ve placed on myself, but I am proud to be a part of this community, even if I am only still testing the waters. I’ve found that you will always be discovering something new, whether it is a pleasure, desire or something else you didn’t realise about yourself. But that’s the beauty of sexual exploration.