‘At Least You’re Young Enough to Start Again’: What Not to Say to a Friend Getting Divorced at Thirty
Coming Out of an Identity Crisis: How My First Queer Relationship Empowered Me to Challenge Our Gendered and Cis-Heteronormative Culture
There was an undeniable shift in how I was treated, embraced and celebrated. For the first time in my life, I felt comfortable acknowledging that I was more than a woman: I was human. Being asked for my consent (and not performatively) was like speaking a whole new language. Being urged to voice my feelings and NOT have them used against me? That was whacky as f*ck, at first…
‘It’s Not You, It’s Me’: How to Believe it Really is Them and Not You
We’ve all heard the famous breakup line, ‘It’s not you, it’s me’. Or perhaps we’ve heard something similar, like, ‘You are amazing, but I just have so much going on at the moment’. Those daunting words, even though they are meant to make you feel better, just end up making you doubt yourself more…
Partner Infidelity in a Pandemic: Holding Guilt for Having the ‘Wrong’ Existential Crisis
Coming into work didn’t hurt; it didn’t exhaust me like going home to him did. And even though I gave the best possible care to my patients, holding the hands of those ill and dying, I was numb. Having experienced so much of other people’s pain and anxiety, it made my own problems seem inconsequential…
My Experience of Love Bombing in a Queer Relationship
At the time, I had no reason to believe that S would ever hurt me. She had proven, through her actions and words, that she was sure about me. Someone being sure about you – especially when you’re sure about them – is one of the best feelings in the world. Looking back, I have no doubt that S was genuine in her interest in and affection for me – perhaps that is also the most heartbreaking detail of this story: she knew exactly what she was doing…
Unlearning What Disney Films Taught Me About Relationships
I was SO offended when I first heard this. Not Belle – not my favourite Disney princess. Even when they showed the interviews of the little girls who participated in the experiment, I didn't want to believe it. The interviewer asked the girls what they would tell Belle if she was their friend. One said: ‘just keep on being nice and sweet as you are, and that will probably change him.’
Thoughts on Falling in Love at a Young Age
Truth is, I’ve found love at a young age. I’m only twenty-two. On the cusp of my career, I am moving out, beginning that cliched next chapter. There are bright things ahead for both my partner and me. But you don’t have to read every novel, watch every film, or listen to every song to know life will throw a plot twist in your relationship’s direction. As you grow up, some things inevitably can fall apart…
A Look into the World of Online Sex Work and Why it’s Time to Start Destigmatising It
Operating via a now deleted account on Twitter, I spent some time getting to know this community and became part of it myself as a Financial Dominatrix. My profile was advertised towards submissives who experienced sexual gratification from giving elaborate gifts or amounts of money. My time spent using this account was brief, but the insight it gave me was immense…
Monogamish: Practicing Ethical Non-Monogamy as a Black Pansexual Woman
The term ‘monogamish’ is said to be coined by sex and relationships columnist Dan Savage on his Savage Lovecast podcast. This relationship type is halfway between a romantically and sexually monogamous relationship, and the full-blown open relationship, though the definition of 'monogamish' will vary with every person and couple…
‘We Need to Normalise Open Communication’: Setting Boundaries Within a Friendship
Setting boundaries is something that I have struggled with in the past. This was before I learned that saying the words, “I am not comfortable speaking about this,” does not make you an inconsiderate friend – it makes you human. In this unfortunate era of my life when boundaries were a foreign concept, various experiences in an accidental trial-and-error process made me aware of my limits…
Navigating Sex After Sexual Assault
Sexual assault is becoming more spoken about and women are sharing their harrowing experiences. Something in the world is slowly shifting. However, nearly a year after my traumatic event taking place, I found myself googling how to navigate sex after sexual assault. I pressed enter; very few results came up…
Letting Go of Catholic Shame Around Sex
By day, I pushed my sexual urges down and tried to be sweet and virgin-like. But by night (aided by a bottle of wine), my sexual self would emerge in full force; no man was safe. When I did have sex, it always felt so good, so natural: I was my truest self. I loved the feeling of skin on skin, of seeing my body – pale, slim and curvy – alongside a man’s hairier and more muscular one. I knew what to do without thinking about it. I followed what felt right, what felt good. But the next day, I would feel so ashamed. I would want to get away from my partner as quickly as possible…
Ending A Tangled Friendship: Grieving a Friends With Benefits
Despite the fact that we hadn’t even been going out, despite the fact that he hadn’t been my official boyfriend, it felt a lot like heartbreak. I realised we’d still had a relationship. Not an official one, but a human one. We’d shared things with each other, shared a bed, cuddled, given each other massages, kissed, and had sex. We cared about each other…
‘You Know That He’s Toxic’: The Red Flags We Ignore Early On
Not all nice guys stay nice. We’ve heard this story before. So, why do we ignore the red flags that appear early on in relationships? Do we honestly believe that no one else will love us, or do we believe that we deserve to be treated badly? I guess we must do. There were certainly plenty of red flags that I chose to ignore in my last relationship…
From Heartbreak to Celibacy: My Journey to Self-Love
Being celibate sounds very foreign to a lot of people, especially in my generation of dating apps, hook-up culture and situationships. Choosing to be celibate in my 20s has raised a lot of eyebrows. Many question, ‘How can you do it for so long?’ or tell me ‘You’re single, you should be having fun!’ Who says I’m not?
‘It Is Time for the Stigma Around Women’s Pleasure to be Banished’: Reclaiming Our Sex Lives
Even now, writing this, I feel uncomfortable talking about the fact that I masturbate. And why? Because women are never told that it is okay. We aren’t educated about the parts of our bodies that bring us that pleasure, and we aren’t told to explore them. In fact, in a YouGov survey from 2019, almost half of females were not able to identify one of their own crucial body parts…
‘Respectable Girls Don’t Use Dating Apps’: My Hinge Experience
You’re too nice to be on a dating app. How are you on a dating app? Look at you! You don’t need to be on a dating app. Surely, I’m not the only one who has received these comments. Each of these fuels the notion that girls who value and respect themselves should not be on a dating app, that signing yourself up for one is a last resort and an act of desperation…
How Learning to Speak My Mind in Bed Saved My Flailing Sex Life
We’ve soaked up every rom-com where some semi-domineering male swoops in and gives us the best sex ever, followed by a happily ever after. In these stories, the female protagonist is without fail charming and polite, yet also sexy and bold; fierce and fiery, yet meek and mild. I’m not sure who came up with this idea of how a ‘perfect’ woman behaves – probably a person in a basement who has never encountered a woman in real life – but for some reason, it was the kind of woman I always tried to emanate whilst in bed…
Overcoming Vaginismus: How I Went from Feeling Broken to Being an Empowered Sexual Being
I desperately wanted to feel normal. I could feel my vaginal muscles tightening every time S tried to get in. I’ve been in this position before with other men, but I thought that it would be different with S. I loved him and thought that maybe he would be the one to ‘fix me’ down there…
‘You Shouldn’t Have to Hide Yourself Behind Someone Else’s Idea of Love’: A Personal Experience of Leaving a Toxic Relationship
I looked for someone to listen to me, to hear my pain. And that’s exactly what my partner did. I think, at first, I felt validated. But everything happened so fast. We would talk and spend time together, and then the next thing I know, he tells me I’m his girlfriend. It was a command, not a question…
The Myth of Virginity and its Reality as a Social Construct
There is too much pressure put on the idea of virginity. The pressure to lose it or keep it, for everyone, is unavoidable. It is seen as such a big deal, a major life event. But why? Sex is a normal and natural part of life – there shouldn’t be this immense pressure put on young people over what they should do with their virginities…